Latest / Just Us Sisters / Episode 15: Dealing with Grief & Loss

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Episode 15: Dealing with Grief & Loss · Just Us Sisters

• speaker-0: Welcome to the Just A Sisters podcast. speaker-2: Doesn't c the manual. speaker-1: Come with so we make podcast. Welcome to episode fifteen. ⁓ the name of our episode is Grief and Loss. I'm Susan Allen, the host for today, and want to introduce my sisters real quick. Sheryl Shelly, and Stacy. Thank y'all for joining us. This one's gonna be a little bit different than the ones that we've done in the past. We are going to be talking about speaker-0: Later. speaker-1: The death of loved ones and possibly the death of friends. And so I want to read something real quick to you that I was reminded of because my very good friend last week lost her husband and this came in my inbox. I get a daily devotional, just a one liner, and it was so prevalent and so timely. And I just wanted to share it with you girls and with our listeners. Loss reminds us that life is fragile. Love people the best you can while you can. I know that each of y'all have lost people. So tell me about the people that you have lost in your life. speaker-3: Well, I'll go ahead and start. So ⁓ there are two speaker-0: Two people that had a major impact on me and losing them. And one was my oldest son, John Two. He was thirty-nine years old and he died in a car accident ⁓ in twenty twenty two. And the other was my mother in law Betty, because she lived with us for five years, often ⁓ most during that time. Sometimes she spent at a assisted living place. But I got to really know her and to love and adore her. And y'all and speaker-3: We're mostly speaker-0: Those two just really impact. speaker-1: Mm-hmm. I guess that's why we love people while we can. Yeah. speaker-4: Yeah. speaker-2: Yeah. I'm gonna be talking about my friend Lindy McCrae. We were friends for thirty-three years before she passed away. We met at Miller Intermediate in Pasadena and she was diagnosed with cancer in June of twenty nineteen and ⁓ she was gone by July of twenty twenty. And she just meant the world to me and you'll hear more about that in a few minutes. speaker-4: about ⁓ two different deaths that had a major impact on me. First one was the first death outside of family and we have been blessed with longevity and our ⁓ grandparents so ⁓ all those deaths were really old age but these deaths happened at a time in my life that I was very impressedable as a sophomore in college as a nineteen eighty six and two of my friends were murdered and I'll get into that a little bit more. And then the death of our first cousin James really had an impact on me. Just the sudden loss and, you know, the family trying to recover from that. speaker-1: We've all lost our grandparents, right? And of course James. But I think watching my husband go through the loss of both of his parents probably had a huge impact on me just watching the grieving process, not having someone that close as a parent leave this earth and so unexpectedly. We'll be getting into that. So what do y'all miss? Stacey, what do you miss most? About Betty and John too. speaker-0: think with John too, you know, he was on he lived outside of the home, he had a family of his own, but I think it was the expectation of the late night call for like happy mother's day. ⁓ he was the last one to call and ⁓ wish you know the happy birthday or happy mother's day. Late and you know just that anticipation that speaker-3: To barely get it in a birthday or a birthday. He never missed, but it was always really speaker-0: Hey, I'm gonna get this call. And then overall his personality of how he could light up a room that he walked into and just expecting that to happen. And then with Betty, it was just we went to all the time when she lived in Temple and it became a schedule and we looked forward to taking her out to dinner and walking around Walmart with her and speaker-3: Sure. We looked forward to it. speaker-0: ⁓ and she may the chat and see how we're doing, but also watch the friendships that she developed at such an old age. I just miss experiencing that with her. speaker-3: Yeah. speaker-1: How long has it been for both of them? speaker-0: I'm speaker-3: John Two, it will be four years. speaker-0: This September was speaker-3: And Betty, we're coming up on a year. Okay. speaker-1: Okay. So Sheryl, what do you miss most about Lindy? speaker-2: I miss her weekly phone calls. She knew how to make a connection with people and she truly cared what was going on in our lives and not just my life. She had so many friends. So I missed that phone call. Sherl, what's going on? She called Sheryl. And then also we would take a trip. She had a granddaughter the same age as daughter Michaela. So every summer we would get to ⁓ get the girls together and and just go somewhere, whether it was When they were little we'd take ⁓ to Fiesta, Texas. Either that or or zip lining or something the beach, just somewhere every summer, just a couple of days. And they became really good friends. And so I miss those things among a lot of other things. speaker-1: Sally, what about you? speaker-4: The what I missed with James is that he was the oldest of three boys and really the one that, you know, sought out the family get togethers and stuff and our aunt and uncle were still living when he passed away and having to watch them grieve the death of a a child, even though he is an adult, was very difficult. And he was married to Diane and we just considered her, you know, one of us. And the grieving process of watching that family go through what they went through. ⁓ James died three days after Christmas in two thousand five, but he died two weeks before his daughter got married. And Cyril and my daughter were in that wedding. And while it's such a joyous occasion, there was a sadness in the air just because James would have loved to have been there and his absence was definitely felt. speaker-1: ⁓ yeah, I remember that. So after the the death, how did your daily life in the early days or in the early weeks of that death impact you? How did it change? speaker-3: Mine would be speaker-0: John Two, y'all all made it possible to keep going because we were moving back into our house after that flood and having been out of it for a month. And luckily y'all came and helped me to do that, which also gave me company and because I had taken off of work. And it was tough to get out of bed in the morning. It was not because I didn't know where he was. John Two accepted Christ when he was a sophomore in high school. And so I knew where he was. I just didn't understand I think. And just the absence I think is what hit me the hardest. And that is poor kids too. Yeah. So ⁓ the days especially speaker-3: The day probably the first two weeks were very speaker-0: Very rough. But the support system that I had was amazing. speaker-4: For me, just unbelief that he was gone. Yeah. And, you know, we're not one to question, but you do just wonder, you know, why and it's difficult when it's someone that's young and and they're gone. speaker-1: Yeah, I think I think that same thing with John Two and James. You know, they had families and they weren't older. You know, it w they were both out of order. And when something is out of order, it kind of startles us. And with James and John Two, that it just was startling because it was so unexpected and they were here one day and gone the next. speaker-4: Yeah, and I think with James that's another thing. He was fifty two when he died and he had two adult children, but he had a fifteen year old. Think the impact that that has and made it difficult to to wrap my mind around speaker-1: Yeah, I think as much as we miss the person watching their families and the pain and the grief and sorrow that they go through in the days following, I think that was hard, you know, watch like you said, Shelley, watching Jimmy Kay get married without her dad and you know, John too, because his kids were still kinda young. Yeah. So just so so difficult to watch. speaker-2: What I remember most about the time right after she passed was the sadness because it was COVID. And I know that ⁓ Lindy would have had, I'm gonna say, in my because I'm this way I am, thousands of people at her funeral. And they limited it to fifty. And so that was kinda like a slap in the face to me for her and I was able to go because ⁓ I I did part of the eulogy, but you know, the way she treated everyone with so much love and respect, that it would have been an overflowing service. So I was saddened. I really felt like the Lord was going to heal her. And so I was having to deal with why would such a good person have to be taken? And then I had to come to the realization, you know, that God looks down and and he sees the big picture. And who knows how many people came to know the Lord because of Lindy's death. So that's where I had to just stick my stake. speaker-1: Stacy alluded to earlier what a difficult day looked like when she said she couldn't hardly get out of bed some days. What does a difficult day look like for you in remembering your friend or cousin or child or in-laws? speaker-0: I still have difficult days. Not that I can't get out of bed, but when I am and normally it's on my way to work. It's a song comes on or something is said, a memory pops in my head and and then it hits. It's that way the way at first very consistent. They are close together and they're very consistent. And some of ⁓ knock you down. And then they start speaker-3: Normally. Wave systems. Getting further apart and speaker-0: Further apart. Not that you don't miss them, but the process is different. And then every once in a while you have one. speaker-3: The Greek He wants that just comes and knocks you over and you're not expected. speaker-0: Expecting it and it and you have to kinda yourself and say, I got this. I'm this is gonna be a big day and start thinking of all the amazing memories ⁓ that you do have. speaker-3: gonna gather your Yeah, the speaker-4: Mine was a little different with the death of Gina and Brian and Suzanne because I was in eighth and ninth grade when I knew them. I didn't know Suzanne at all, but ⁓ Gina and Brian and I considered Vina one of my best friends. ⁓ we moved away and this happened five years later. But that time in my life made a big impact anyway. And then to hear that this happened they were just out and about on a probably a Sunday, Saturday or Sunday at at the local lake and were taken and it was violent and just really turned the town upside down. The thing that bothered me the most as a justice speaker is that the man had been convicted of rape three times between seventy two and seventy eight, but never f served his full sentence in any of those and yet was released in July of eighty five, only to been kill three people in May of eighty six. And it made me a little bit of a political activist at that time because I was at University of North Texas. I went to the task of collecting signatures to take to whoever it needed to be taken to at the time to get that law of things that that these habitual criminals were being released back into society without even feeling the punishment that they were given. And so it still really impacts me because Suzanne was eighteen, Brian was nineteen, and Gina was twenty, and all of them had such prospective future. And it was just snuffed out by he called himself the animal and he was. But it was senseless. In doing research for this episode, I found out even that in January of twenty nineteen, even though he received death by injection in October of ninety nine. he was executed by ⁓ lethal injections. But they found out through DNA in January of twenty nineteen that in July twenty fourth of nineteen seventy nine his DNA was connected with the murder of a twenty year old even back then. And it just I don't know. I it just enrages me that this is still allowed to happen. And I just think that our judicial system needs to to make changes so that this doesn't take place. speaker-1: Well, it did impact you in that you you became more active in finding out more about the justice system and you know, it just takes you getting that word out and and hopefully their deaths will not go without changing you and possibly others. speaker-4: Fourtieth anniversary and sadly not much is changed and that's unfortunate. speaker-1: Has the deaths of your of your friends and family have they shifted the way you see relationships or priorities or life overall? speaker-0: think so. The phrase that you read to start is so true because you don't know if you have another tomorrow. And even you know, John Two was young and that one knocked us down. He was eighty and was eight and had overcome so much and an infection got to her than she could fight off. And so the speaker-3: Ready? Doing great. speaker-0: surprise element, even though she was eighty it was planning on doing things during the summer and kids were planning on doing things with her. And waiting from college and she wanted to be and so we all had that in our head that speaker-3: Her kid Grace was graduating. Be there. She was going to go to Texas Tech graduation. speaker-0: to be at Grace's graduation. And it I think it's just that you don't know. And you need to treat life like that. It's but we have no idea speaker-3: You need You don't know. It's hard to do. Idea. speaker-2: I think that I have become more compassionate to people and their needs and if somebody doesn't think like I do, I'm trying to look at their side a little more 'cause Lindy did a very good job of that. And yeah, I always wanna just strive to live like Lindy. I think that's how I ended the eulogy. Let's all live like Lindy. speaker-3: Yeah she you knew when she was around again she was another person who lit the room up. And you walked away from a conversation with her feeling good about yourself. speaker-0: She did have that ability. Yeah. speaker-4: You know, we've had friends die of illnesses and we've had friends and family die in accidents and with each of their deaths it's almost like it just adds to my zeal and zest for life because I don't want a moment to go by that they don't get that I have been granted. And sometimes I forget that and it's a good reminder that some didn't get the this time. And we need to live life to its fullest. speaker-1: I think for me, because everyone does grieve differently is just giving grace to people to grieve. I can't put a time frame on that grief. And I've heard that some people first year is really hard. And then if another friend of mine lost her husband, the first year she said was hard, but the second year was even harder. So I think that just learning to give grace to people and let them go through that. breathing process is what I learned. I had to give grace to Tom. And I'm not a big crier and I don't like for people to cry in front of me. I don't mind if they cry, but it just makes me uncomfortable. And I had to say, this is not about you. Give them that room to show that emotion. ⁓ it's okay. So what helped y'all cope ⁓ during these times? Were there people or resources that made a difference for you? speaker-3: Mine was my speaker-0: my village, my community, from my family to my best friends to my work colleagues checked on me and you know in and the leadership that I had at the time. I don't know how I would have gotten through everything without that support. It helped tremendously. And I worked a lot. I needed to keep my head full. I didn't need time to sit and think. And so I worked a lot of hours. speaker-3: Lakes. speaker-0: to just keep my mind moving. That helped as well. speaker-2: What helped me was knowing that she knew the Lord and we talked about the Lord quite a bit, especially in our last few years together. Not necessarily in the very beginning of our relationship, but man, we talked about the Lord a lot the last two or three years. S I went back and looked at a lot of the texts and she'd be praying for my son, you know, just to to come back to the Lord and I'd be praying for s a family member of of hers and We just had a a great relationship. Somebody that helped me get through it two people was Jan Draw was a mutual friend that was also a retired teacher from Miller Intermediate and they were very close as well. So sometimes I'll just call her and and we'll talk about good old Lindy and how Lindy never forgot anybody's birthday. You if you met her, like she'd send a birthday card, she'd send an anniversary card. She met my parents, she started sending them birthday cards and them anniversary cards and she loved them so much. ⁓ and then another person, her granddaughter is one of the strongest young women Christians that I've ever met. I got a email from her last week and she's gone into the mission field in India. And so it's been really good to keep up with her. Those are the ones that have helped me get through it. I think speaker-4: Just keep their memory alive. And we're not having to deal with the like the being the spouse or being the daughter, except for Stacey obviously. And ours is kind of a a one off of just remembering them and keeping their memory alive. And then for my friends who were murdered, just trying to get changed, you know, being a part of that. speaker-1: So how do you continue to honor or remember them? What are what are ways y'all do that? speaker-0: talk about John to all the time. Now it doesn't because and it's ⁓ me being awkward. I catch myself saying, Well, I have five boys. Well I had six. You know, trying to explain if I hear a work colleague, a new work colleague, somebody talking about how much they work and how much they're away from their family, I always try to tell them, Hey, reevaluate. We're not promised tomorrow. Our kids are not promised tomorrow. speaker-3: Or your colleague or speaker-0: and be there for them. And and I'm sure that that's awkward. But one time I posted something on LinkedIn. LinkedIn, for those of you who aren't aware, is a speaker-3: Either. Social media for work. It you don't speaker-0: You're not supposed to, I don't think, get it's things. And I had posted something on there about John Two. And then I quit deleted it because I thought, Why did I do that? And the amount of personal messages that I got of I'm going through the same thing or I lost my child and you said things that impacted me. And then I speaker-3: political or real personal mainly for work. Well, people need that as they're surprised. speaker-0: They need to know how they're going through that. They need to know that it isn't one day you're good and the next speaker-3: Say you're you're better, it's it's that wave that speaker-0: can come and knock you down and and you have to yourself back up. But I think that's one of the ways that I keep John Two alive. As far as talk about bed speaker-3: Take yourself. far as Betty goes, we talk about Betty all the time. Y'all talk about Betty a lot too. She tried to roll the roost and we laugh about it every once in a while and sometimes it's like I see happening or how somebody wants to take control of something. I'm like, ⁓ there's a Betty Hayes. speaker-0: See something happen. Coming out and you know, just that of how she was and just speaker-3: Memory. really remember the best years of her life and she would tell you just brings me so much joy, yeah, that we get with her. speaker-0: And we had that opportunity. speaker-4: You know, and I don't wanna make light, you know, we said we lost all of our grandparents. I was in the presence of most of ⁓ when they passed. And, you know, even that in a old age type death was different. We had some that raise their hands, ⁓ almost like being accepted into heaven and we were singing hymns with others and you know, we constantly remember our grandparents and I don't want that to ⁓ you know, even though it was in old age that they passed away, the significance and the meaning to us isn't less. And we we've discussed them several times, even on episodes, because they had such a an amazing impact on our lives. speaker-3: have dreams about them and they're amazing dreams and sometimes they don't make any sense and sometimes they make all of the sense. And usually we text each other, ⁓ I had a dream about Grand and Pop or Granny and Stewart. I'm in a car where the driver is like mmm mmm instantly think of Grandpa Stewart. So that's the beauty of celebrate their speaker-0: That's I speaker-1: Interest speaker-0: being able to save our lives. speaker-1: Yeah, yeah. And I love that because some people are calling the the end of life services, ⁓ the celebration of life. And I think that's beautiful. I think that's the way it should be, to remember the way they impacted our lives. Right. What do you wish that people understood about what you were going through? Maybe you just didn't feel understood while you were grieving that loss. Was there anything in particular? speaker-2: I think for me, the people around me when I lived here, 'cause she lived in Clear Creek area by NASA. They didn't know her. Most of my friends here didn't know her. They'd met her, I think. So they gave me good support, but I I don't think they understood how deep it cut. We would come every year to the state basketball tournament. Lindy would come and stay with our family. She'd bring people with her. Mom and Dad didn't care. So every year during that time I do get a little emotional during the state basketball tournament 'cause it's just seems like she should be here. speaker-3: Mine is Texas Relays, Sheryl, 'cause Chonto used to come for the Texas relays and break break. I think the boys that they revery come around. We miss have visitors. speaker-0: And too, I think that's what you remember as well is when the Texas relays come. It's like, man, having all those visitors, you know, just to stay at the house and hang out until they went to speaker-4: cause a memory to pop up. Stacey alluded to it with music and song you know, a song. For me and Grandpa Stewart, it's a bird. If I see a particularly interesting bird, he was a bird watcher. Yeah. And taught Stacy and I, because we were still at at home, a little bit about it. And so if I see an interesting bird in addition to the ⁓ feeding and backing off driving, the bird will make me recall Grandpa Stewart. speaker-1: Mm. I for me it's breakfast. The smell of breakfast remind me of Grand and Pa. The eggs and the bacon and you know. And every time I see a man fishing, it reminds me of Jane. ⁓ James loved to fish. And we had gone down there one time and I don't remember if it was for like Fourth of July or something like that. And boy, he just sat out there and fished and fished. So speaker-2: ⁓ yeah. speaker-4: It's sad to me that his grandkids never had the opportunity to get to know him because my gosh, he would have loved on them and taken ⁓ fishing and been so much a part of their lives. But their family has woven them into their lives as much as possible. speaker-1: Yeah. And you know, that is the hard part because we had two kids when Tom's parents died. They were three and one. They were so young and then our last two children never knew them. And they would have absolutely loved all of them. So that's the hard part. Well speaker-4: That Pop was the reason that I named Cherokee Cherokee. When I was sixteen, he was telling me the story about how he wanted to name our mother Cherokee, but he never mentioned it to Gran. And at that moment I said, Pop, regardless if it's a boy or a girl, my firstborn is going to be named Cherokee. He never got to meet Andy, but You never got to meet Cherokee either to see that one, I followed up on my promise and two, what an incredible ⁓ person he turned out to be. speaker-1: Yeah. Are there things that you do differently now because of the loss that you experience? speaker-0: Mine is I keep in touch with the kids more. I mean well we always have, but even an effort to come together, all of us together, and to enjoy just being around and hanging out with each other, making those memories. We gotta make those memories. speaker-2: Mm-hmm. If Lindy was here right now, I would say, Lindy, you made my life better. The way you connected with people and showed the love of Jesus to people was such a testimony. I miss you so much. speaker-4: I think that that should be our goal is when when our time comes, people look back and say, You made my life better and I know that that should be our aim in life. speaker-1: Yes, you know we tend to think of joy and grief as mutually exclusive. But my husband was telling me that because of that, because of seeing it them as separate, we tend to think of our life as like a roller coaster. You know, when we're on the high it's joy and when we come down, it's the grief. But from the words of Jesus out of James, it says, Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials. And so there are two very distinct emotions, but like rails on a train track, they can run at the same time. You can have grief, but you can also have joy. It doesn't have to be this, it can be this coexisting together. And so I feel like just in sharing today, I remember the grief. Of the loss of some of the ones that you've talked about. But I'm also celebrating the joy and just remembering the fun, exciting things that were said or done or the experiences we've had with them. If any of our listeners have experienced times of grief and and loss, we would love to hear how you went through that time and what helped you, the resources that you had. And you may have had a tribe like Stacy and And Sheryl did, but ⁓ we just want to hear from you and know that we understand right where you are. I think that we all can agree life is messy meaningful and better when shared. Thank you for joining this episode. And next Shelley will be hosting our sixteenth on family traditions. ⁓ Don't forget like us. speaker-2: Share. speaker-3: Subscribe. Bye. speaker-0: Subscribe.