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85: Shaking Up The Self-Help Industry w/ Danielle LaPorte · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I'm Kelly Siegel, and this is Harder Than Life, a podcast about self-love, self-awareness, business, and health. We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple, practical advice you can start using today. Let's get living.
• 0:15
  Welcome to another empowering episode of The Harder Than Life. Today, we have the immense pleasure of introducing you to the radiant Daniel Laporte, a true beacon of light in the realm of personal growth and spiritual connection. Recognized as a cherished member of Oprah's Super Soul 100, Daniel's essence embodies the transformation power of the world.
• 0:35
  of love and authenticity. From her days as a visionary at Washington, D.C. think tank to her current role as a global thought leader, Danielle's journey has been nothing short of extraordinary. With her latest book, How to Be Loving,
• 0:50
  When your heart is breaking open and the world is waking up, she invites us all to embrace compassion and resiliency in the face of adversity. Through bestselling books, soul-stirring podcasts, and heart-centered programs, Danielle's message resonates deeply, inspiring millions around the globe to live with purpose and passion. So buckle up for an uplifting conversation as we dive into the wisdom and the joy that Danielle brings to every corner of the world. So beautiful. You can intro me anytime.
• 1:19
  Like I said before, I read this book when it first came out and just I met you through mutual friends, Craig Siegel. And I mean, you could just see pages and pages of that. I have clinked back and I got the joy to reread and nothing happens as a coincidence. This is all happening at perfect time. So we're going to be talking about all things, the book, how to be loving. If you haven't read it, please go out and get it ASAP.
• 1:49
  You are the sweetest, most soft, kind person in the world. I love your work. I love you. And today we are going to change lives. Let's get started with what inspired you to write this magnificent book. Four Years of Insanity, Tyranny, Polarization, Division,
• 2:13
  you know, a global dark night of the soul. And isn't it the message? I mean, you know, there's a, I don't know if people wake up in the morning and think, how can I be more loving today? I think lots of us wake up in the morning and think, how can I crush it? How can I slay it? How can I hack it? How can I make it? Should I get out of bed? How do I even get out of bed? What do I do? How do
• 2:43
  Um, but everything we are craving is on the other side of learning to be more loving to ourselves, more inclusive of our, our bullshit and our brilliance and more inclusive of everybody else's shadow and light.
• 3:02
  And that message right there is very counter culture to what's up. And specifically, you know, I, I, I know your demo is like 93% men and you're in this, you are in that crush it space. And when I talk about this kind of, you know, really contrarian perspective to success, it's amazing. Like the dudes really lean in. Cause it's, there's something there we're onto something. Yeah.
• 3:32
  The men that follow me understand that we're going to be vulnerable and we're going to be filled with love. So that's why I am extra excited to have you on. You embody it. Like the intro said, literally you embody it. And if you ever see me walking around, Danielle, and I'm tapping my heart, that's me to get me back to heart center of love.
• 3:53
  And everything, I believe everything starts and ends with love. Part of that's because I grew up with scarcity of love. So that's why much of your book just radiated, resonated, and just spoke to my soul. So please head over to Daniel Laporte, spelled Daniel with, ends with an E, laporte with an E.com. And take the stressed reaction quiz. I did it. I'm an owl, Daniel. What does that mean?
• 4:23
  You are. So you're more on the kind of freeze side. Yeah, so really the stress responses are, you get clear on if you are a fighter, a flighter, a freezer or a fauner. So this is all about having a dysregulated nervous system, which most of us too much of the time are in dysregulation, right? So fighters will, you know, we,
• 4:51
  The fighter will push back. The fighter is defensive, antagonistic. They wanna go. They wanna like, let's get to the bottom of this in a scrappy way or the flighters are, I'm outta here. Like, I don't need to have this conversation. This isn't what I bargained for, I'm out. And the freezers are, I'm a freezer. We just get very quiet. We're done having the conversation and we just kind of
• 5:20
  lock up, lock down. And then there's a four, those are the predominant responses that actually have a chemical effect in your body. And then there's more of a personality response, which is starting to get talked about more in the wellness space, which is the FON response, which is really like kind of the kiss-ass response, which is like from a place of trauma where I had to be kind to, you know, whoever was in control so that I was safe.
• 5:51
  we get into over complimenting, being over agreeable. And like every gender does this. We just have like different ways of doing this. Yeah. So that's the stress reaction quiz. Again, guys head over to daniellaporte.com. Take the stress reaction quiz, read all about her. She's phenomenal. If you're in any kind of, if you're following me, this, she's going to resonate with you. So,
• 6:21
  I pin back many pages of the book. So I pulled the first one again, How to Be Loving. It's page 55. And you discussed the ego's favorite place to hide, personal development workshops. Yeah. Did you expound upon that for the listeners? I was floored by that.
• 6:42
  Well, if you wanna feel really important, if you're afraid of being found out for like your shame and not feeling worthy, and you know, you just, you gotta succeed. If you want everybody, everybody to love you because you're doing great work in the world. If you wanna get into heaven, if you wanna burn your karma,
• 7:03
  where would you hang out? You would hang out in this community because we look amazing. Like we wanna grow, we wanna be aware, we wanna leave the world better than we found it. And all those are good, healthy things. It's just, here's the question. What's driving your self-help? Are you driving it? Is it being driven from a sense of proving,
• 7:30
  Is it some old narrative you have about being better, being accepted, getting what you wanted from your dad or your church or your family of origin stuff? Because you can be doing the same things from a different motivation. It's actually the motivation that makes all the difference. So like, are you doing, are you working out? Are you getting your cardio? Are you doing your yoga? Are you doing your meditation? Are you keeping it clean because
• 7:59
  You're curious and you cherish your body and you want to have deeper, more intimate relationships with everybody, better connection. Is there a sense of celebration or is it like heavy obligation and proving? So same things. What's the motivation? And really gets down to like, is it a heart centered motivation? Actually, let me refine that. Is it a heart centered inspiration?
• 8:28
  Or is it an ego centered motivation? Because the ego loves to keep motivating you. It's like one more goal to crush, right? Yeah. Never quite there. I can feel your energy through this computer. And I just, I adore you. I wanted to highlight a specific part of this section because it was bolded.
• 8:48
  And I'm just going to read it. And I just want to know what your reaction is. And sorry to steal so much of the book. It'll end. But there's just the first part of it. It's such a good book. I read. I just finished up Jamie Kern-Lima's Worthy. I read all of Brene Brown's book. I read Humble the Poet's book. I read all of these. I read a lot. This was the best book, guys. What we often call self-development is sadly just that. More development of a limited self.
• 9:16
  when what the heart is calling for is fewer selfies and more soul. Danielle, I love it. Tell me what inspired you to say that, the soul? Well, there's your small self and then there's your higher self. So small self is our identities,
• 9:42
  Small self is personality and awards and job titles and all the things you think you should be. Small self is all the stuff we have. And you can have all those things and be heart-centered and healthy and wise. Higher self is beyond all of that. And this is, you know, I see both, I see both,
• 10:05
  I see all kinds of people come to the higher self awareness. So, you know, I've been having conversations for years about success. I've talked to lots of really accomplished business people and elite athletes. And a lot of them have the same story. I got there. I crushed it. I made it. I'm getting my trophy. I'm cashing the money and I feel some emptiness.
• 10:33
  And I realized, you know, like one of my friends, Lewis Howes, one of the best kind of empty success stories I heard early on in my days, which is like, you know, you know, he crushed his football win and realized what he really wanted was acknowledgement from his dad.
• 10:51
  You know, he's there getting his award, he's at the podium, whatever it was, that sense of emptiness. And that is when the soul, your heart, your higher self is saying like, there's something more and it's not this. So you got to look at like, what's driving you? What's the pain driver? I want to be loved. I want to be loved because I didn't know love before. I want acknowledgement because I grew up in a family who'd never said shit.
• 11:18
  Um, okay. So you, you hold the pain. You don't push the pain away and say, oh, I should be over that. I got to get over that just because my dad never, my mom, never my community, whatever. No, that's the wound is there. You need to take care of the wound. We can't bypass the wound.
• 11:37
  And that's what happens a lot in our personal development space is we want to bypass the wound. We want to overcome the fear. And I think this ideology around crushing the fear is actually incredibly damaging. So if we're always in this mode of, I'm going to overcome it. What we're doing is we're actually just pressing down our shadow stuff. We're actually not stepping into being like our own parents.
• 12:07
  And our most loving whole selves. So you will see people get on this hamster wheel of crush a culture and go, go, go. So you can still get all the same things. You can have the car. You can have the seven figures if that's what you want. But the soul is wanting you to realize that even though you didn't get what you needed in your family of origin, you are whole.
• 12:37
  you are lovable, you belong, you deserve to be here. The soul, the higher self is never even going to ask the question if you are worthy or not. It's a ridiculous question. It's like, I know you're a dad. If your daughter came, Ari, Ari, is that her name? Yeah. Yes. Okay. If Ari came to you, especially when she's, you know, little and extra vulnerable and sweet and said to you,
• 13:06
  you know, daddy, papa, am I worthy? You wouldn't even entertain that. You'd be like, what a silly question, my love. Of course you're worthy. Of course, I loved you before you got here. I love you now. I'll always love you. I'll always be there. That's higher self-love. And so we need to, like the growth, the edge is getting to that place
• 13:33
  of unconditionality with ourselves and then go crush it. Go crush it for the right reasons because happiness, because joy, because you want to find out how strong you are, because it's going to have you be more philanthropic. You're going to be a better father. You're going to be better in your community. You're going to make the money to go away. And in that whole process, you take your wounds with you. You take your wounds with you.
• 14:02
  I'll give you an example. I used to, you know, before I would do a gig, a speaking gig, I used to get all Tony Robbins with myself, right? I would get into crush it mode and I would, and this is really ego centered. We should talk about what the ego is, but I would just, I would like super pump on myself. I was like, I'm gonna get a standing ovation and I got valued at and all that thing. You know, and I kind of go in that kind of jumping jack energy mode.
• 14:30
  And that really just puts my anxiety in a box. But the anxiety is still there.
• 14:41
  And that anxiety that we box up in all sorts of ways will come out in other ways. You will bullshit the person you're in love with. You will sabotage things. You will overspend. You will not be able to sleep through the night. You will need medication to, you will end up on your shrink saying, I'm having panic attacks, even though I'm running this multimillion dollar company. This is what I do now on stage. And this is really now a metaphor for my life. I talk to,
• 15:11
  I talk very softly to my inner child, to the part of me that is very sensitive, that really does want other people's approval. It's not a bad thing, but it's there. I need to acknowledge it. That is maybe anxious, tender. And I just put my hand on my belly, put my hand on my heart. I usually do this before I leave my hotel room to go down.
• 15:38
  Because once you leave your room, you're on, right? Everybody's there for you. And I just ask my shadow self, my inner child, what do you need? And she will always give me really simple parent-like requests. Like I wanna hang out with fun people after. I need some quiet time. I wanna eat this. I wanna eat clean food. I need rest.
• 16:08
  I like the applause. I need quiet. And those are the basics of good self-care. Yeah, that's higher. Would you say that you're talking to yourself, but what's your relationship with God? And do you believe that that's what you just described as I do the same thing?
• 16:30
  Except I have just recently, within the last six months, acknowledged that I'm talking to God. And I asked God, what do you want me to do? What do you want? How do you want me to show up at this engagement? And usually it comes back with just be yourself and everything will be okay. And I get this calming piece. And I do the same, what you just said to me. I just thought of my last speaking engagement.
• 16:56
  And I do it in the hotel room too, because the second I walk out, people are grabbing on you and it's going on. So I found that that when I first read this book, eight, nine, 10 months ago, whenever it came out, whenever I read it was, I was one person and you just described it. And then now I'm a totally different person. And it's, it came with surrendering and constantly talking to that inner child and
• 17:24
  and just giving him what he needed, which we're gonna get into right next to heal. But I just wanna ask that again. What is your relationship with God and are you talking to God or is it really yourself? This is a great question. This is a really great question. Thank you. I'm not talking to God. This is the message I give to my inner child. I've got you and God has me.
• 17:53
  I've got you and God has me. Yes. So I want to parent, mother, lead. I wanna be the divine leader of all of the parts of myself.
• 18:07
  my greedy self and my brilliant self and my broken self and my grew up in Windsor, just this side of the right track self and my leader self and my, all the, all I want, that's growth.
• 18:23
  That's becoming more conscious. That's power. I take responsibility for all parts of myself. I can do it. I'm not the wound. I'm the healer. I'm not my past. I am the present. I'm in charge. I created my fears. I created my fears. God did not put fear in me. That's my doing. I'm going to meet God halfway. I'm going to be responsible for my mind. I'm going to be responsible for my thoughts.
• 18:52
  for my speech, for my action. That is my responsibility as a child of God. So I take care of my inner child and I am turning to higher self, soul, the divine God to help me do that. I'm going to speak to the list or seagulls, whatever I call you these days. Um,
• 19:18
  This is a woman who's tremendously successful and of...
• 19:23
  my age and she still talks to her inner child. So if any of you thinking, Ooh, this is a little too woo. What's Kelly going with right now? Listen to this slowly rewind and listen to it again. Danielle's the real deal. And what she's talking about, if you can connect to this is real healing, deep inner healing with that. It took me violence, hypnotherapy, EMDR therapy,
• 19:53
  meditations, mantras, mirror work to be able to resonate with what she's saying. And when you do, it's major, major healing and massive success. And I'm not just talking financial success. I'm talking about peace. And we'll use Lewis Howe stuff. Peace, clarity, and freedom.
• 20:19
  Those are three things that I actually took from Lewis House. So we're gonna get in deep about this, the wound healing sequence. The wound healing sequence was spot on for me and my harder than life crusade. Rather than me butchering it, please provide an overview of the seven steps and why they are so crucial to healing. Okay, why don't you cue me on each step? So what's the first one? Family.
• 20:48
  Okay. So this is what happened. You get born into a family and most of us think, oh, I got dropped off at the wrong house because these are not my people. Okay. What's the next step? Rejection. Yeah. You are being raised by imperfect people because they're human and they have things to work out.
• 21:10
  none of us have enlightened parents. Most of us aren't enlightened ever while we're still on the planet. So you're going to experience some form of rejection. Next. Repression. Because you are innately a loving person, you are love itself. You are born as love and compassion. You're actually going to feel a little bit of guilt for being bummed out that you got rejected. You're going to feel like,
• 21:40
  I'm like a demanding person because I'm not getting my needs met by this family of origin situation. So you repress it. Which leads to shame. Well, absolutely. So you have a guilty secret.
• 21:56
  You have this little secret that you wish you were born to another family. You have this dirty little secret that you don't feel entirely loved. So you have guilt next. So can shame, can they be flip-flopped? Are they interchangeable? Or do you feel shame then guilt?
• 22:16
  I would always think that- I think shame, I think I see it in concentric circles. Like I think shame is the kind of default response. That's the first thing you're gonna feel. And then the intellect will process it. So it's like, shame is a little more kind of closer to the heart. And then you're gonna think about it, you go, oh, I feel guilty for this whole situation. Like I'm not getting my needs met.
• 22:45
  I keep that inside. That makes me feel ashamed. And I haven't done anything about it. I haven't done anything about it. I'm feeling guilty. There's two more, but I want to just divert for just a quick question. The shame, because Brene Brown studies shame, but she is always about women. Why do women seem to feel more shame than men? Or do I have that wrong?
• 23:11
  I don't think it's that we feel more shame than men. I think it's harder for us to cover up. I think, you know, masculine creatures tend to push through.
• 23:23
  You use your bravado, you use your brawn, your body size, you use all the privilege you have in society to like, you don't have to pay attention to shame. You just go get shit done. You're also historically, you have more freedom to go get shit done because women historically, we're taking the time to make the baby grow the baby, raise the baby and feed everybody and the babies.
• 23:53
  take care of the home situation. I mean, this is still, I mean, lots of women listening to this now, like even though of course, you know, we're working and we're succeeding in all of the realms, we still are planning the weddings and being deeply sensitive to children. And we're all growing, we're all evolving, we're all catching up to each other. But I think we don't have, we don't walk through the world with as thick of a skin. I think that,
• 24:22
  I'm going to speak for me. And I've done a lot of work. And, you know, for the first time in my life, I'm going to tell you what my shame was. And I didn't even know it because I would have fought with you up until I just, just, just tried to just broke down my ego. And you said, what, what did I shame? I was shameful that we were poor and that my family didn't know how to love me. Now, that's me saying that healed. Unhealed, I would say that they didn't love me.
• 24:51
  They just didn't know how. I was shameful for that. Like if people knew what was really going on at my house, they wouldn't like me. So that's what I was shameful. All the work I've done on 85 podcasts into this thing, that's the first time I've ever realized that. So thank you for bringing that out of me. There's two more wounded healings. Can we just unpack that? Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, what I...
• 25:19
  that's it. I mean, that revelation is, is the medicine and that is so universal, right? It's like, we're raised by these people who don't necessarily know how to love. They're doing the best they can. And because we don't have the filters, the maturity, we go, I'm unlovable. It's not that, not unlovable. It's just, you got, you know, everybody's
• 25:48
  figuring out their skills. And as you know, I just named it and I felt it chill all through my body. And then it just dissipated as I just named it. That's the healing, that's the sequence we're going through right now. So the next one was separation and forgiving. So separation, tell us what separate, you nailed all of these just so you know, by the way, almost verbatim, so I'm real proud of you. Well, separation is when
• 26:16
  I mean, we'll use your story as an example.
• 26:19
  You're having these feelings of like, you could just say general dissatisfaction, not feeling loved is not very satisfying. And so out of survival, out of self-preservation, you will separate. You don't wanna be associated with those people who don't know how to love. You don't wanna be associated with those people who are embarrassing, poor, outspoken, whatever it is, you don't wanna be separated.
• 26:47
  And you're separating yourself in a really practical sense from your potential source of love, which goes into a more metaphysical realm. It's just like you see yourself as separate. You see yourself as separate from your community, from the people who could love you, from the God of your understanding. And then we get all really messed up and fragmented.
• 27:12
  And we basically are kind of operating in this ignorance, like, I don't even know that I think I'm separate, but I'm gonna do all these things to try and belong. If we could just go, wow, I actually feel on the outside, everywhere I go and unlovable, no matter how much, no matter how much, that would stop it, which is what most of us go into therapy for.
• 27:36
  That's the proverbial thoughts are magical lies. I couldn't have scripted that any better. I literally I'm going to read it just because it's it's paramount predict predicated on not getting the perfect love we expected we perpetuate the illusion that we've been abandoned by and are separate from creation our family and higher self and everyone else on the planet.
• 27:55
  Which leads to, and this is what, you couldn't have scripted me telling you my story to this any better. Which leads to forgiving. Which I'll steal the thunder. And it wasn't until I forgave my parents for doing the best they could and realizing that I'm not drinking the poison, or I'm drinking the poison expecting them to die. And the only one suffering is me and everybody around me.
• 28:22
  We did a, we did a, I have a heart centered membership. We did a theme once on generosity and everybody I'm sure assumed that this, the workshops that month were going to be about how to be more giving and more inclusive. And you know, that was definitely part of it. But what we got down to was the most generous thing you can do is forgive your parents.
• 28:50
  I was going to ask, how do you forgive somebody when they're not sorry? Common question. Look at somebody being sorry has nothing to do with you forgiving them. You loving someone has nothing to do with them changing, with them being more conscious. They don't even need to feel remorse for you forgiving them.
• 29:14
  Nobody else can affect your capacity to be loving, to be conscious, to be wise, to be free. And it's hard work, but you know, everybody listening. And I, you know, my sense is you are, you have your own forgiveness story. If you have been forgiven, you know how
• 29:40
  healing, invigorating, golden that is. There are lots of us who have forgiven people who we thought were unforgivable. And it changes your life completely. You grow up, you become powerful, you move on, you think more creatively, you sleep better at night. And the people you forgive, they could be dead. They could,
• 30:04
  You could have a conversation with them. You gotta be careful with arrogance and forgiving, right? So like a lot of us will walk in, this is like forgiving newbies. We'll walk into a conversation literally or figuratively and be like, hey, I forgive you for what you did. And there's a kind of arrogance to it. It's like, my forgiveness is really making it clear. You messed up.
• 30:34
  and I'm an awesome person for forgiving you for messing up. And you know that when you're in that mindset that you are secretly wishing that they would like super fess up and you want the fess up, okay.
• 30:55
  There's actually merit in that. We have to practice forgiving. It's like we're kind of playing with this, you know, forgiving is a virtue. It's a soul quality. We're trying to figure out what forgiving is. That's a great place to start. It's not perfect forgiveness, but it's cool. It's better than not forgiving somebody. Well, I found that forgiving and everything I've read is forgiving of someone else is for you.
• 31:18
  And for the longest time, Danielle, and you're bringing this stuff out of me, but I'm telling you that the longest time all I wanted was that I'm sorry for my, and then the moment I truly forgave them for my own benefit, I didn't need that sorry. Don't want it. Don't care. Doesn't matter to me. Does that make sense? Yes.
• 31:42
  Yes, that is, I think that's an almost universal experience of you don't need it back. You're so expanded high on the love. You become so much more conscious. You just don't need it. You're full of love. You are self fulfilled, but let's go back to the forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. Okay. So we'll just get like super esoteric right now. If we're all one,
• 32:11
  if we all come from the same source, then forgiving is also for them. And what if, like, I think, I think you can have either motivation and it'll get you to the same, somewhat more enlightened place. Like, you know, you could set out to forgive your folks because you know that you really love them and you're grateful that they helped you get to the earth. Thank you.
• 32:39
  for being the vehicle for me to have this experience. I forgive you. You have, you got a rough life. You're off the hook. And you will have that forgiveness euphoria and become a more expanded person. Or you could go in and just say, I love myself so deeply. My job is to create a sane, free, healing life for myself. I cherish myself.
• 33:08
  I forgive. Either way, either way gets you there. I, for me, I didn't come from a good family, but, but a good family is going to come from me. That's why I broke the chains immediately. I just had to, I went, I went violent. What we're describing here is what you call unselfing. So would you share, would you share with the listeners what unselfing is? Unselfing is deprogramming yourself. It's,
• 33:34
  It's you stop being obsessed with all the small self stuff. So you really start to question who you are. Do you need the stuff? Who you like? I used to really love personality testing. You know, I'm an INFJ. I'm a four on the Enneagram, on the Myers-Briggs. I'm my strength finders. This is me, you know, all that. I'm an introvert.
• 34:02
  I'm a Gemini, I'm a CEO, I'm a mother, I'm rebellion, all the things. And I realized like, I'll use the introvert label as an example. I started to realize that a lot of those labels were actually holding me back. That I was using being an introvert as an excuse to like, not go to the party.
• 34:25
  or need extra time to recharge by myself. And then I just thought, well, what if I'm not an introvert anymore? I might actually talk to more people at the cafe, at the party, at the gig, you know? So I just think I want to be less of the lay, I want fewer labels, I want fewer labels because then I can be more free. Then I get to learn maybe all these other things, all these additional things.
• 34:53
  I could sit down and talk to you for hours. I just, I just, ooh, you're beautiful. I wanted to say I'm human and I love you is what I wrote when you were saying that. So those are my labels. And I'm really sorry to keep going back to the book, but guys, go out and get on Amazon, How to Be Loving. Midway through the book, this thing lit my soul on fire, but midway through the book, you wrote every emotion is trying to get our attention.
• 35:23
  I believe this wholeheartedly. And most people turn to ignoring said emotions, even turning to masking said emotions with distractions and all the other things. What do you have to say about that? Do you want to start really deep or do you want to go start shallow?
• 35:40
  you're the expert at this stuff. I understand really deep, but I don't know what all the listeners will do. So I would say make it. We're going to cut. We're going to cover it all. Let's start with light. We'll go shallow. Your happiness is trying to get your attention because it's good for your brain. Wants you to do more things to make you happy. Your sadness is trying to get your attention. Wants to be listened to. Wants to be validated. When we.
• 36:09
  demean or repress our emotions, it just, it's like more clutter in the basement. It's, it's more, um, kind of watery energy that's going to flood out somewhere. It's like you're sad and you keep telling yourself you're not sad and you shouldn't be sad and you don't have a right to be sad. You're going to get depressed. You're going to get worse. If you're anxious and you get down on yourself for being anxious and
• 36:36
  you're going to get more anxious. That anxiety escalates into panic attacks. Okay, so all of that content, just call it content, is your little mind babies. You create the stuff, you create the happiness and you create the fear and you create the sadness and you create the bliss. And it wants you to pay attention to it. Okay, so let's just pause there. Gotta pay attention to your emotions.
• 37:03
  but you're the driver of your emotions. You're the parent of your emotions. Like the Buddhists will also often say, your thoughts and your emotions are just the clouds in the sky and you are the sky. You hold it all. Don't be the cloud. Don't say, you know, so this is a difference. And I talk about this in How To Be Loving is, rather than saying, I am anger, say, I'm feeling angry.
• 37:32
  Do not let it overtake you so that the anger isn't controlling you. Like, wow, because you could be in a situation and be like, I am enraged right now. I am, let me refine the language. I am feeling so much rage right now. I'm so pissed off right now. That's you being the observer. So you're still being conscious. And then you decide from there, this is so fascinating. I'm seeing rage.
• 38:02
  Where does that come from? Oh, I know where it comes from. Actually has nothing to do with the situation. Are you, I'm feeling pissed off. This is so confronting. What am I gonna do now? What am I gonna do with this rage? I'm gonna breathe. I'm gonna go for a walk. I'm not gonna shoot my mouth off right now. I'm not gonna press send. I'm gonna sleep on this. As opposed to, I'm so angry. I gotta express it, do something about it right now. Mm, that's what gets us into trouble.
• 38:31
  That reaction versus, you know, pause and give an actual logical response. Reaction versus responding. So here's the deeper layer of all of this. All feelings come from the unconscious self. All feelings come from the unconscious self, absolutely. Yes. So let me give you, I'll give you a visual metaphor. All your feelings are coming from the basement.
• 39:02
  of your psyche, of your life. Even your happiness, even the positive feelings, they're unconscious, they're unconscious, they're under the surface. Thoughts can be different once we clean up our minds, it's a different situation. So, all feelings are part of your unconscious self coming into your awareness.
• 39:32
  Like, oh, look, that makes me happy. Wonder why? Oh, that makes me sad. Wonder why? I should observe my feelings, but I don't need to let my feelings inform my day. My life is not about feeling good. I know that sounds whacked, but I can, this is the premise.
• 40:02
  I can be loving no matter how I feel. I can be in charge of my thoughts no matter what is happening. I can choose higher vibration energies. I can choose to be peaceful. I can choose to be loving. I can choose to be forgiving no matter what is going on, no matter my hormones or my bank account or what somebody says.
• 40:30
  And this, I mean, to go back to the top of the hour, your question, why the book, How To Be Loving? I'm most well known for a book I wrote called The Desire Map. It was like 400,000 people have been through this process. And the question was, how do you wanna feel? And for lots of people, that's like a revolutionary question.
• 40:54
  I'm working in a law firm. This is not about how I wanna feel. I go, yes it is. Cause you all just, everybody just wants to feel a certain way when you hit the goal and all the things. And then I was in a really dark place in my life.
• 41:07
  And a friend called on that day and you know, the friend didn't know that I'd been crying in my living room and there was lots of anxiety and some suicidal ideation. And she's one of those friends I hadn't talked to in a long time, but you know, you just pick up and start from wherever you were. And she was in a rough spot and we ended up not talking about me at all. I just went into friend mode and listened to her and was there for her, got off the
• 41:34
  was aware of like, I felt fulfilled. I felt loved by her. I felt loving and I was in the darkest place of my life. I was not in a good mood. I was not happy, but I could be fulfilled. And that was really a big pivot for me of, wow, it's really about what do I want to be no matter what?
• 42:05
  No matter what. So thoughts create feelings. And you said change your thoughts. And you hear all different modalities. Dr. Joe talking about it. And everybody tells you. What is your go-to strategy for changing your thoughts if you're going down a rabbit hole of negative feeling and thoughts?
• 42:25
  It's a great question because there's in present time and then there's preparation. So in present time, I would be asked, so you need to practice. So let me, I'll do present time first and then we'll go into prep. Let's say I'm thinking gnarly thoughts.
• 42:47
  I'm, you know, inner mean girl stuff. I'm really not liking the, I'm feeling so super judgy about the person I'm with. And then, you know, if they were only, they were so much different than they are. And I need to ask myself, this is the simplest question.
• 43:03
  to help you pivot. What happens, what could happen if I allow this thought to continue? So you don't even have to judge the thought. You don't even have to say, wow, I'm being so judgmental right now, or they're being like such, they're being so close-minded. No judgment. You just think, what would happen if I allow, what could happen, sorry, could. What could happen if I allow this thought to continue? And you'll come up with some answers and you will see if you wanna go in that direction or not.
• 43:34
  We're gonna get in an argument, I'm gonna walk away, this thought is gonna make me sick, this is not very inspiring, or... And the outcome is almost always no good. So you're right, if you just, it's like you're seeing the future in your mind. That's brilliant, Danielle, brilliant. Yeah. It's a yoga technique actually, comes from the Yoga Sutras. What would happen if I allow this thought to continue?
• 44:00
  Okay, so if it's on the wrong trajectory, like if you're on the bus to like, you know, Bummerville, then you wanna ask yourself, well, what's a better thought? Just what's a better thought? And it doesn't have to be, I love this person unconditionally, or I'm so successful, or I have all it takes. You don't have to go for like big outlandish stuff. It just has to be like, what's the next best thought, which is,
• 44:31
  well, I remember when I fell in love with this person or we've worked it out before we could work it out again. Or I know I have the capacity to be patient or once in a while this person is right. Or 10 years ago, they said they were right. They said something useful. Or I've been able to get out of a funk before, just little. And then you can go to the next one, which is like, look, I'm love. I can see myself through this. I know there's a way, whatever it is. You know what I do there? Yeah.
• 45:01
  Talking to you and having this conversation, I really understand why I adore you. I've been through all this and I do all this and you can hear my authenticity. What I do is I go to gratitude. I know it sounds weird. I just get my mind off of it because you're on that negative snowball train to nowhere.
• 45:24
  So I just go to, it's the silliest thing. I'll say, I'm with my daughter or my daughter's here. It's my parenting time. And I'll go to the things that I love dearly. I'm at the gym or I'm at my company at NTM. And I'll just take it down to the simplest form of life. I'm alive. I'm here having this human experience.
• 45:53
  I don't know if that's common, but that's what I do. And I just like sharing because I know you like it. I can see your face. It would be beautiful if it were more common because I think that being grateful just to exist is. It's this place where it's both really primal, like here we are in bodies, we're breathing, we're alive. And it's really transcendental at the same time. It's like I'm an energy and I'm here.
• 46:22
  And I get to learn all these lessons and be of service. And it's a miracle. It's, it's a, I'm a, I am part of this phenomenon. And I think gratitude is the most direct route to presence. Like you want to be, so, you know, let's just define presence. Presence is you are alert, you are clear thinking, you're not being driven by all the stuff in the basement.
• 46:46
  You're not going to fly off the handle. You're going to see the best opportunity. You're going to be loving. And gratitude gets you there. Gratitude and breath. You know what? Yeah, breath. I just finished. I told you Jamie Kern-Lima's book, Worthy. And she's talking about you're the first and only you. That kind of gets me going, too. And I'm like, holy smokes. Because I always say I'm weird or I'm different. I don't know. I'm just me. I'm the first one to be me. And it's cool. I kind of like that.
• 47:16
  So we were talking about vibrating at a high level. And I said, I was, I'm going to continue picking them. Oh, no, no, no. Here's, we all make choices from a level of consciousness that we were at. I make this mistake daily. I vibrate extremely high due to intense levels of discipline. Most don't experience life like I do. You made a beautiful recommendation for people like me to use phrases such as, and I quote, you might consider...
• 47:45
  Would you be open to if it feels right to you? This feels like a limiting belief or some sort of unhealed trauma in me, Danielle. What are your thoughts? So what is the question about your discipline, how to be with your discipline? Yes, yes, exactly. Well, what's motivating you? Who needs to be disciplined? Your wounded, your unhealed little boy self?
• 48:13
  or your conscious, I'm a being of love self. You know what I was thinking? The other person that you're trying to console, but you just nailed it without even nailing it, who needs to be consoled is the inner child. It's me. When I'm telling somebody, you should do this, you should do that. It's me saying that to myself.
• 48:39
  You just, without, what I was speaking to was the other person, you know, if I'm going and telling something, it's hard because I'm a coach and a keynote speaker. So I'm constantly telling people, you should be doing this. And a lot of times I just feel like that's, it's counterintuitive. Let's recontextualize it. Yes. Makes sense of what that is about is that we need to stop telling people what to do for a couple of reasons.
• 49:09
  One, I mean, this is how I roll. I don't want the karma of telling you what to do and you go lose the money, date the wrong person, make the wrong decision. I don't need that. I don't wanna be involved with that. Two, I want to tap that place in me where I have faith in your capacities. I mean, all good psychotherapists will say like, really their job is to just have faith that people will change eventually. It doesn't matter how many times you hit bottom, we can all get to like wholeness.
• 49:39
  And I think it's more magnetic to just offer invitations, not tell people. So can you, so everybody listening who's a coach, a parent, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a teacher, anybody who has an opinion and is breathing, these are phrases that you might wanna use when you're offering so-called help or advice to somebody. Can you give them to us again, Kelly? Of course, you might consider
• 50:08
  Would you be open to, if it feels right to you, just think of how much softer they sound to it. You need to, or you should, or you always. And it's very, it's anti-accusatory. But you nailed it. As usual, it's really me consoling my inner child.
• 50:28
  And that's what it boils down to. So I'm going to continue picking on myself. And we got two more deep questions that we're going to switch. And I'm trying to be cognizant of your time. So there's two more deep questions. And then we're going to switch to some light things about you, because I want to just think you're beautiful. And I want everybody to know who you are. And so I'm going to continue picking on myself. And I was particularly moved by the section of book that discusses seeing pain.
• 50:51
  But don't stare at it. For me, this continues as the Heart of the Life brand grows. First timers want to know all about my troubled upbringing. Up until reading your book, I kept reliving this negativity, almost being a proud victim. What we resist persists, so I had to give it up. And even today, when people ask, I gloss over it.
• 51:13
  How important and how does one heal from the experience say enough to acknowledge said experience but not live there? So I get asked, tell me all about every podcast. Tell me about your upbringing. And I just, I'm so healed over it that I just gloss over it. And I even, someone asked me like, no, no, no, you got to dig into it. And I go deep for them and it's just not who I am.
• 51:37
  So how does someone who hasn't done the work like I didn't look at that, understand it, and then let it go? I think we need to be really mindful about why we tell our pain stories. And we should tell the story with the intention that
• 52:00
  that it be healing. Like I could talk about my past trauma when I'm on a date with, let's say, you know, with someone I'm considering dating, I wanna make a commitment.
• 52:17
  And I could do that because I feel like, oh, this is somebody, you know, there's some potential here. We could commit. They should know about my history. So I'm telling it from a place of like, this is useful. This is healing. This is on behalf of a better future. And when I tell it from that heart centered, I want this to be useful non-victimy place, um, I'm going to speak very differently about the people involved.
• 52:47
  They're not the bad guys. It's just a little more factual. I'll probably emphasize more like the opportunity of growth that came out of it. Maybe some gratitude for it. Okay. Okay. And then there's retelling the pain story, the trauma story, because you want to be seen because you want people to know that these other people in your life may
• 53:10
  are not, we're not great people, that they shouldn't trust those other people. Somehow, like we drag the other people into the present with us and, you know, don't want them to succeed. We get attention and we don't have to change. Like, and I just, let me just put a pin in that and just say, look, I am all for being witnessed.
• 53:35
  get the therapy, find a partner who's going to hold you in the most sacred way. And you can talk about the details, the agony that are still in your body and your nervous system and how it's affected your psyche and all your trip wires and why you're so messed up. And all that stuff needs to be brought to the light, but we need to do those things in safe containers.
• 54:01
  and we need to do it with the intention to heal. When we tell the pain story over and over again, with the intention to get attention, we're just re-energizing that wound. Like you gotta let the wound heal. You gotta let the wound heal. And a lot of people in our space, the coaches and the influencers and all that, many of us have our stage story.
• 54:31
  because we want to be accessible. We want to, and this isn't a bad thing. Like, this is part of good branding. It's like, I went through this, I healed, I created success around this, I'm grateful for this, and you can too, and here's our methodology, and here's a book called How to Be Loving. We wanna build trust. We wanna be accessible. Vulnerability is magnetic, it's a beautiful thing. But even in telling those stories
• 54:58
  There are ways, the more we heal, we start to tell those stories differently. And again, this goes back to intention. We can tell the same story about the same shitty circumstance, and we can tell it on behalf of helping other people heal. Or we can tell it because, look at what I went through, and aren't I awesome, and don't they suck?
• 55:20
  Man, you go back and listen to my first podcast, come to this one, and you see the difference in how I tell this story so differently. And this is a therapy session. And I can't believe this is what I get to do. I want to reiterate what you just said. Tell it from a healing intention instead of a victim. And what we're saying is if you're coming from the victim, you're really in fear and lack instead of love and abundance. Yes, and you have to tell the story without fear.
• 55:49
  The intention to cause harm. And that will mean that you can't tell your whole story sometime. Do you feel that sometimes misery just loves company? It's like, that's how we bond. Words out.
• 56:00
  Yes. And you want to, I mean, you want to talk about the metaphysics of misery? Oh, no, no. Yes, but no. We have one more deep question. We're coming up against it. And I just got to get through these questions because it's just, you're fabulous. And we're going to go a little bit long if you got a minute and I'm going to blaze through them. But there's one last serious question because during the pandemic, I was deep. I was in the deep end without a paddle, waging war against myself and what seemed like against the world.
• 56:29
  Everything was against me, so I said this. I am sorry. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. 10 times at once, 10 times per day. That's the Ho'oponopono prayer. Will you share it in your own words and what the significance is of this? I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. Ho'onopono prayer is a Hawaiian, it's an ancient Hawaiian prayer.
• 56:57
  The term means correction. And how most people are taught to use this prayer is that you offer it to somebody that you wanna, you know, forgive, be forgiven by, come into balance with. And that is great and that's a beautiful intention. But how we do it in our heart-centered leadership community is that you offer that prayer to yourself.
• 57:20
  So I used to walk laps around the lake in my neighborhood saying, I'm sorry, please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. And I would be directing that to my inner child, to my fears, to all of my shadowy stuff. And it would end up being quite moving because you find out how abusive you are with yourself.
• 57:39
  you start realizing, you start having thoughts going, oh my God, I have been overworking. I haven't been listening. I don't eat when I'm hungry. I don't move when I need to move. I've been so self-critical. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. And when you direct it to yourself, you have all those revelations. You also see your capacity to heal because you're asking your unhealed, dark, messy, yuck stuff to forgive you.
• 58:06
  And it does. You start to feel that unconscious part of yourself move forward and you hear this like, yes, I forgive you. Oh my God, my stuff can heal. It's amazing. I don't know that,
• 58:23
  I said this. I don't know if I have it in the right order, but I used to say, I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I always started with I love you because that's just the things that I say, I used to say to myself about myself. If I said them to you, Danielle, you'd hang up on me. I still am my harshest critic. If I said...
• 58:44
  Like at my IT company, if I said some of the things that I thought about myself to other people, they would – I hold myself to the highest level.
• 58:54
  Highest regard. And I expect to win. I'm going to win. And I'm going to put forth the effort. If I don't, the things that I do to myself. So that prayer, I still say to this day, when I'm really feeling it, I'm saying it to that inner child. So that's a go-to thing. Along with mirror work and mantras, I do the Mel Robbins high five.
• 59:20
  I love you in the mirror too. So I've done a lot of work. So that concludes the heavy, heavy, heavy stuff. I want to, I just, I think the world of you, I'm sorry to have this man crush, but I want to share more of you. Again, guys, go out and get How to Be Loving. It's available on Amazon. Actually, but the best way to get How to Be Loving is to come to my site and get the audio book.
• 59:42
  Oh, really? Because it's audio. And we can go for walks together. And it's six hours. And daniellelaport.com. Now you're going to make me go read it or go listen to it. I am a reader, as you can tell. I love the book. And then I read...
• 59:56
  conversations with God. And then I immediately had to download it and listen to it. Cause I'm like, what did I miss? So we're going to switch into some, some just get to know Danielle and then head over and then we're going to get out of here. So you got a few more minutes to stick with me. Let's go. Awesome. Cool. If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would it be? And why Jesus Christ? Um, just want to ask him how to do it. Yeah. That's awesome.
• 1:00:23
  What's your favorite guilty pleasure TV show or movie? Oh, favorite guilty pleasure is Ruffles potato chips with ranch dressing, watching Palm Royale right now on Apple with Kristen Wiig, which is like this campy socialite. It's great. Yeah. You want to laugh? I'm binging on the Vanderpump rules because I want, I just, in me,
• 1:00:49
  People's interpersonal skills and fail to heal just enamor me. Cause I want to be able to help people. So I learned all about what, what makes people go crazy. So I don't know, it's the worst thing in the world, but it makes me fall asleep. So easily. Do you have any hidden talents or hobbies that might surprise people? Hidden talents or hobbies? Oh, I'm a great fire starter. Like you can give me wet wood and I will find a way to light a fire. Um,
• 1:01:18
  Hidden. And I will keep my other talents hidden. What's the most adventurous thing you've ever done? Most adventurous thing I've ever done? Fire walking. Wow. That's really cool. 20 feet, hot coals. Those of you that are not following her on social media, follow her on Instagram stories. She lives the life that we could all... I just...
• 1:01:41
  on our own terms, guys. So I love it. If you could travel, well, this one's a generic, but if you could travel anywhere in the world right now, where would you go and why? Which you can, so what's next? Well, it's very cliche, but Paris is always a good idea. If I could travel anywhere, I would like to go to Morocco and just, you know, smoke a hookah and hang. What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?
• 1:02:10
  Take breaks. All right, slow down to go fast. What's your go-to comfort food or favorite meal to cook? It wouldn't be anything I cooked. I would say, actually this, you can tell I'm just, I just made it to the right side of the tracks. Go-to comfort food would be tuna fish casserole that my mother made. It's like you take macaroni and tuna fish and you crunch chips on top. It's so trashy. And that is it. Is that a Windsor dish?
• 1:02:42
  That is a Windsor special. I think it came over to the other side into Detroit because I grew up on that too, man. If you could instantly master any skill, what would it be? It would have something to do with... I would need two skills. It would have something to do with being able to hear...
• 1:03:02
  a different sound frequency with people speaking. I really think sound is the future of healing. So there's, you know, you could wanna be a face reader. You could do Psych 101 to really hear what someone is actually saying, but I'd actually like to literally be able to read energy through people's sound. You know, I just, I asked myself these questions because I write them so fast. You know what mine would be? To listen.
• 1:03:31
  What's your favorite way to unwind and relax after a busy day? Well, I live on the beach. So it's the seawall. It's snuggling. And it's just, my living room is like a yoga studio. So I just lie down. Can you hear? I mean, if you live on the beach, can you hear the waves? Oh. Yeah.
• 1:03:51
  Invite me over. I'll sleep on the right outside. So if you could switch lives with any fictional character for a day, who would it be and why? Nobody. No, I wouldn't switch lives with anybody. Somebody just asked me the same question. I can't remember, but somebody big time. And I was like, I want to be me. I love, I've cultivated this life. I have worked violently on it. I, this is, this is where I want to be. So finally, is there anything I haven't asked you that you feel compelled to share? No.
• 1:04:21
  This is complete. I want you to know that I think the world of you and I love you and I see you. And you are doing beautiful work. I'm very, very grateful you took the time out of this. This is going to be far my most favorite episode. I'm not even going to have to tell anybody to share this. All of the vulnerable, tough men that listen to me. And we're slowly picking up women. Because I don't know. And eventually, as I get up to the Ed Milet level.
• 1:04:51
  We'll get a lot of women and they'll look back and say that was your best episode. So I thank you. I cannot wait to see you in Craig's Mastermind. I guess you're coming up. Thank you for your time. And I love you. Hey, thank you for all the work you've done. Thank you for everybody listening. Yeah, love. Thank you.
• 1:05:10
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.