Latest / Hustle Rebels: Burnout Recovery for Over-Achievers / Why People-Pleasing Is Burning You Out: The Invisible Work of Managing Everyone Else

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Why People-Pleasing Is Burning You Out: The Invisible Work of Managing Everyone Else · Hustle Rebels: Burnout Recovery for Over-Achievers

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever said no to someone and then spent the next 20 minutes writing a fucking dissertation explaining why?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can't make it, you're tired, you already have plans, you don't have the capacity, whatever the fuck it might be.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: But apparently just no wasn't enough.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because now you need them to understand why you said no.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: And more importantly, you need them to be okay with that answer.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe somebody at work is irritated with you.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly you're replaying that entire interaction and ruminating on it.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Did I say something wrong?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Should I text them?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Are they mad at me?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I should explain what I meant.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe someone I love is having a bad day, and somehow their bad mood has become a problem that you need to solve.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: We talk a lot about being exhausted because we have too much to do, but I don't think that we talk nearly enough about how fucking exhausting it is to try to manage everyone else's experience of us and their emotions.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's the work that you're actually responsible for.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's this whole invisible second job, making sure that nobody is disappointed, nobody's mad, nobody thinks that you're selfish, nobody misunderstands you, nobody thinks that you've changed or that you're lazy or that you're a bad employee, parent, spouse, friend, daughter, son, leader, bit of somewhere, whatever it may be, right?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever role that you're currently trying to perform correctly, and that job, that job never ends.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're trying to control something that was never meant to actually have control over in the first place.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: What another human being thinks and feels.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Hustle Rebels.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, this is where we talk about burnout, hustle culture, nervous system regulation identity, and all the weird shit that's underneath why capable people can know that they're just so exhausted, yet somehow still can't stop.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm far less interested in giving you another morning routine than I am in figuring out why you think you need one in the first place.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: So if that's your kind of conversation, subscribe or follow Hustle Rebels wherever you're listening to right now.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here for a while, leave a review, comment, or share the episode, whatever your platform will allow you to do.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: It genuinely helps keep these episodes rolling and helps others find the show as well.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm also a nosy neighbor and I want to know what's going on in your guys' lives too.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: So tell me what resonated, tell me what you're dealing with, and you can also tell me if I'm just completely full of shit about something.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: I want to hear about it.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be in a conversation with you guys.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Not just me sitting alone with a microphone yelling into the void in the ethers.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Although I'm apparently also willing to do that too.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about the shit that you're carrying that isn't actually yours.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I started thinking about this after a conversation I had recently, which is actually going to air next week.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it made me realize that there's a lot of energy required to actually do something.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's a lot of energy required to manage how people perceive you while you are doing that thing.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Those are not the same workload.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I immediately thought about the fire department.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: When I got hired, I was one of the only women on that department, and then the first and only women on the second department.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: And there was just this joke when I first got hired that once one of the guys got hired, they could kind of just let themselves go.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you made it, you're in.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, have you seen American male firefighters?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: They're not exactly making the covers of all Australian firefighter magazines, but I digress.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew that whether or not anybody explicitly said it or not, that I didn't have that same margin.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: If I suddenly couldn't lift as much, if I gained a bunch of weight, if I couldn't keep up, if I showed weakness in any way, that confirmed whatever stereotype that somebody already had about women doing that job.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: So that was different.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: There's this physical energy required to be a firefighter, and then there's this mental and emotional energy required to constantly make sure that everyone knows you deserve and can prove yourself to be a firefighter.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I like to call performance vigilance.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And you absolutely do not have to be a woman in the fire service to know what this feels like.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're the dependable employee that your boss depends on you.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're not just doing your job, you're maintaining your identity as the person who just never says no.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: You always get that done.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're the emotionally strong one in your family.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're not just dealing with your own shit.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're making sure nobody sees that you're struggling with it.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're the successful one that everyone knows.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now every business decision, career change, or financial setback carries this weird extra weight because what will people think?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're the friend that everybody calls.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And now saying, I just can't do that tonight.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have the capacity for it.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Feels like you're violating the terms and conditions of that friendship.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: See, there's the thing that you're doing, and then there's the performance happening around that thing.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: The second part is just so fucking exhausting.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it gets deeper than just people pleasing.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because stop people pleasing sounds easy as hell, right?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, cool.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just stop caring.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Problem solved.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Podcast over.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Done.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: My job's done.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Except that's just not how this works.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because what if somewhere along the way, being approved of became associated with being safe?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system was comfortable in that.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I even wrote about this in my weekly recharge newsletter yesterday about how I had learned that giving my attention to someone means that I care about you.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll drop the link below to that, or if you want to read it or listen to it, you can clip the top right in the top corner.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: But what if being useful got love or being impressive got you attention?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Being easy to deal with meant that you kept conflict away, and dependable meant that you were valuable.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Then somebody being disappointed of you doesn't just mean that they're disappointed.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Your body goes, oh shit, I gotta fix that.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: They're irritated, gotta fix that.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: They're quiet, fuck, what did I do?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: What did I do wrong?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: They don't understand your decision, gotta explain it better.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: They don't like your boundary, I gotta soften, gotta make myself a little smaller.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Someone you love is struggling, drop what you're doing, you gotta help immediately.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And this can happen so fast that you don't even recognize that it's a decision.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: You just feel so uncomfortable in that moment.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you've learned that the fastest way to get rid of your discomfort is to get rid of theirs.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the trap.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't think the answer is to become someone who doesn't give a shit about anyone else.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's not the answer at all.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the goal here.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: There's a difference between caring about someone's experience and carrying their experience.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I can care that you're disappointed.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean I need to change my decision so that you're no longer disappointed.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I can care that you're angry.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't automatically mean that I have internally done something wrong.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: I can love you deeply and still not be able to fix what is hurting you.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I can listen to you vent without joining you in being pissed off for the next six hours.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Misery doesn't always love company.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Or misery doesn't always need company.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: I can understand why something I did affected you without deciding that your feelings automatically outweigh my needs.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the pretty big one that I want you to hear.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: I can allow you to misunderstand me.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oof.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: That one's hard, right?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because how much time have we spent trying to get someone to understand us?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, that's not what I meant.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Let me explain.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: You don't understand why I'm doing this.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: But if you only knew the whole story, damn.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I swear many of us can relate to this.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes clarification matters.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes communication matters.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of the times communication does matter.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Don't get me wrong.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes you've explained yourself a million different ways, and now you're no longer communicating.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're campaigning.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to win approval for a decision you've already made.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And at some point you have to ask yourself, why do I need this person to agree with me before I give myself permission to trust myself?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And this is when I don't need anyone, isn't actually independence, which is honestly something I've been catching in myself too.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are times when I genuinely want support.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be vulnerable.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say, hey, I'm struggling with this too.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I get so tired of having to carry it all and being hyper-independent.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't necessarily need someone to fix it or want someone to fix it.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't always want advice.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I just want to be able to say, This fucking sucks right now.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I want someone else to go, yeah, that does fucking suck.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's like the story of Job.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: But if I open that door and immediately feel coached, corrected, misunderstood, or told what I should be doing, there's a part of me that just goes, never mind, I'll handle it myself.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of very independent people have some version of that.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're proud of being able to handle it ourselves.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's genuinely a strength that truly is.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to say you have to go give yourself to everyone and be vulnerable all the time and pretend that you're not strong.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes, I'll do it myself, is what happens when relying on other people has felt more expensive than carrying everything alone.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then we wonder why accepting help feels so uncomfortable.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or why we're pissed that nobody helps us when we're simultaneously walking around broadcasting.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry, I got it.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes passive aggressively.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Something I'm also still working through.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Not the passive aggressive part, but still the broadcasting that I still got it.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because allowing somebody to support you also means allowing them to do it imperfectly.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: They might not say exactly what you wanted.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: They might not completely understand.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: They might solve something differently than you would.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you might have to tolerate the discomfort of not controlling the experience.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's difficult.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's a nervous system practice in and of itself.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: But this is the question that I want you to start asking.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something that I want you to start noticing this week.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Don't fix it.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I know we want to fix things.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: I just want you to notice because awareness is key.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want this to turn into another self-improvement assignment.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: But when somebody around you has a reaction, watch and notice what happens inside of you.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Some of these things might sound familiar.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Do you immediately explain?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Apologize?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to fix it?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Do you start overfunctioning?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you try to change your decision or make yourself smaller.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you just take control and take responsibility.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or try to get them back into a good mood.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Try to manage their emotions.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: But I want you to ask yourself, do I actually have a problem right now?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I trying to make sure this person doesn't have a problem with me?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Those are two very different things.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you genuinely did fuck up.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Cool.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Own it.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's a time to have responsibility, repair it, and that's part of being an adult.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe they're simply disappointed because you said no.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're irritated because you stopped doing something that benefited them.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they don't understand the choice that you're making.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you have changed from the version that they once knew you as.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe the version of you that they're comfortable with isn't the version of you that you're becoming.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Their discomfort doesn't automatically mean your decision is wrong.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where the rebellion starts to get a little uncomfortable.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because burning somebody else's rulebook sounds fantastic.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Until somebody gets mad at you that you're no longer following it.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Could be your boss, could be your spouse, could be your parents, whatever it might be.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: So this whole idea came from a conversation that you're going to hear next week with Roberta Ravella.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Roberta is the founder of the Joy Experiment.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I brought her into the toolbox because her work challenges a belief that I think a lot of us have inherited that success has to be hard in order to count.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: But our conversation went in some really interesting directions around worth, being understood, carrying people's emotions, and trusting ourselves.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: And also how many things we can continue doing simply because we've decided, well, that's just how it has to be.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: And there's definitely a few moments where I got me in my own shit in real time, which is always fun when you're the host, right?
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: So you'll hear that conversation next week.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: But before then, I want you to sit with this.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: How much of your exhaustion is coming from your actual responsibilities, and how much is coming from managing everyone else's experience of you and their emotions?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because burnout isn't only the weight of everything that you're carrying.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's the weight of everyone you're trying not to disappoint.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's time to put some of that weight down.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Before you go, don't forget to hit subscribe, like, leave a comment, a review, whatever the platform allows you to do.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: It truly helps keep these episodes rolling.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said, I'm a nosy neighbor.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: I want to know what's going on in your lives and what's actually resonating with you.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, the first week of Burn the Blueprint identity reset is completely free for you guys.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: So if some of this has you wondering what other rules, beliefs, identities you're carrying around that might not actually belong to you anymore, check that out in the link below.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you didn't know, I'm Renee.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is Hustle Rebels, and I will see you guys next week.