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Tangible Ways to Show You Care · Talking FACS

• 0:01
  Welcome to Talking Facts and thank you for tuning in to Cancer Conversations On Talking Facts,
• 0:06
  a podcast collaboration between the University of Kentucky,
• 0:09
  Mary Cancer Center and the UK College of Agriculture,
• 0:13
  Food and Environments Cooperative Extension Service.
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  We will share with you the latest developments in cancer prevention diagnosis treatment and research from the experts at Mary Cancer Center.
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  Kentucky's only National Cancer Institute designated Cancer Center.
• 0:28
  Talking Facts is hosted by the UK Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals,
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  families and communities to improve quality of life.
• 0:41
  Hello and welcome to Cancer Conversations On Talking Facts.
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  This is your host,
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  Doctor Jennifer Hunter,
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  assistant Director for Family Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
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  Today,
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  I'm pleased to be joined by Joan Scales,
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  a licensed clinical social worker and Director of the Psych Oncology Services at the Marquee Cancer Center.
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  Welcome Joan.
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  Thank you for having me today.
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  I'm really excited to get to be here.
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  So today's topic is one that I think will be of interest um for our listeners and we're gonna talk about tangible ways to show that you care or to show care when you have a friend or a family member that might be um coping with a cancer diagnose assist or cancer treatment.
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  But really and truly,
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  we had a few minutes to chat beforehand.
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  I think you the information that you're gonna share and the tips that you have for us today are really and truly applicable for,
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  for anyone that,
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  that may just need a little extra assistance.
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  I think so often when we have a family member or a friend that is grieving or facing challenges,
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  circumstances that we really just don't know how to help.
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  We want to help,
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  but we don't know how to help and you're gonna help us tackle that question today.
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  Yeah,
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  I feel like,
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  you know,
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  in the context of cancer too,
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  there's not many of us who don't know somebody who has been through cancer or has a loved one who's been through cancer or something like that.
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  So it's so close within our world.
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  And then to your point earlier,
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  um this is could be applicable to people with other life threatening situations,
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  health crises and grieving,
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  you know,
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  maybe the the loss of somebody,
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  the death of somebody,
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  however,
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  that might be.
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  So there's a lot of good information that I think we can pack into this.
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  So I know you told me today that you had some very specific tips or steps when someone says I want to help,
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  but I don't know what to do or how to help or what to say.
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  So let's get started with those.
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  Yeah.
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  So one of the first things I always like to say is,
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  um,
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  talk to the person directly and,
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  and say directly to them,
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  say this is I can't imagine what you're going through,
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  you know,
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  and you can kind of fill in that blank with them,
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  but I want to be able to,
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  to talk to you about it.
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  Is this something that you really even want to talk about?
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  Right?
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  Because sometimes we do have people who are like,
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  not right now or um ask me again in a couple of weeks or maybe they're ready to just share everything with you and,
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  and speak in volumes,
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  right?
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  So,
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  um I always kind of like to preface that too.
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  And then also in the realm of cancer,
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  I often will work with um patients and we'll be like,
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  I don't know what happened to my best friend,
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  we've known each other for 25 years and since I've been diagnosed with cancer,
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  I haven't heard from them one time.
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  So a lot of times I'll be like,
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  well,
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  sometimes they just need somebody to kind of make that first step and unfortunately,
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  sometimes it has to be you and letting them know that it's OK giving them that permission to talk about,
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  right?
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  That's one of the things that I'll recommend oftentimes with patients is just going straight to that source and asking this is something that you're ready and wanting to talk about because I'm certain people are concerned that they're gonna say the wrong thing or just not,
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  not even really know what to say or how to approach the conversation.
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  And that's a really great thing to even say itself is I don't know what to say.
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  I have no words for what you're going through other than I'm sorry.
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  And I,
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  I don't know what to do.
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  Right.
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  So,
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  and then waiting for that person to offer that first step of saying,
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  I want to talk about it.
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  Well,
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  this really sucks.
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  I hate this treatment process,
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  whatever it might kind of be.
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  So I'm glad you brought that point up.
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  Another thing I always like to say is be prepared to listen,
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  right?
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  So that's the um another big thing is if you're going to um have this conversation,
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  then you also need to be prepared to listen and sometimes that can come out as anger,
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  not at you,
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  but just at the process,
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  right?
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  You know,
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  it could be,
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  it could be tears,
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  it could be anything and it might make us feel a little awkward and uncomfortable because again,
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  we are kind of lacking some of those things to say.
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  So just letting them know that I'm listening and that I'm here and I'm present is going to be a huge thing for a lot of our patients.
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  So I was just getting ready to ask is,
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  are there ways to prepare yourself so that,
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  so that you are ready to be that listening ear,
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  but it really just sounds like just letting the person know know that you're there that,
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  that I'm sure you can make her wrong step,
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  but it's,
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  it's more right.
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  Right.
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  If I overstepped,
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  if I offered to pick up your kids at the day care for you today and that wasn't something that you wanted to do wanted me to do.
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  Tell me those things,
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  right?
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  So,
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  you know,
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  keeping those communications lines open and if a bare minimum just say I'm here,
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  if you want to talk,
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  I'm here if you're ready to listen,
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  but then also trying to maintain that active presence too,
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  not just kind of falling back into the guidelines and letting life go forward,
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  checking in with them saying,
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  hey,
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  do you feel like talking?
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  And I've got a few minutes right now,
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  I'd love to sit and just visit with you and hear how things are going with treatment.
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  Um Tell me what's happening,
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  you know,
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  are you feeling good?
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  Is it,
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  is it as awful as you thought it was gonna be?
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  You know,
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  because sometimes we do catastrophize things um and just trying to get a feeling for what could be going on on for your loved one or friend who's going through treatment.
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  Yeah.
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  And I think that that's probably a key point is to,
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  is to make that reach that the individual that might be,
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  um,
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  experiencing the diagnosis or,
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  or treatment that I'm certain they might feel like that they don't want to be a burden or that they don't wanna be putting their problems on to someone else.
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  So,
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  being the friend that makes the reach,
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  yeah.
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  And being a friend that makes the reach and then also being the friend,
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  if your friend doesn't want to talk about it,
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  you could even add to it and say,
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  well,
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  do you want to hear about some things that are going on with me?
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  Because sometimes that can be a really nice diversion from our end,
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  own set of things.
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  So if you've got something else going on and,
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  and you want to share that and your friend is wanting to listen,
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  then,
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  you know,
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  absolutely.
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  That's a good time to begin to continue to stay engaged and keep a relationship going with that and just normalize the conversation,
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  right?
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  If it's something you would have previously shared,
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  then continue to share if,
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  if the individual is comfortable,
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  I'm sure exactly.
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  Exactly.
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  A lot of times when I'm meeting with caregivers or loved ones,
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  um,
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  they're like,
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  what do I do?
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  I don't know what to do.
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  How do I go through this process?
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  And,
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  and so again,
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  using that advice of just reaching out and,
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  and being that Lily listening ear,
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  um is gonna be a huge factor.
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  But then also sometimes I say,
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  you know,
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  be very specific,
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  oftentimes we hear when we're going through this big crisis moment in our lives.
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  Uh,
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  let me know if you need anything.
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  I'm happy to do whatever I can just tell me what you want.
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  And when you're going through treatment,
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  you can't necessarily say,
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  oh,
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  I want this,
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  I need this.
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  Can you do this?
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  Can you do that?
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  You're just trying to manage your own feelings,
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  your own physical symptoms and everything else that might be coming along.
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  So I always recommend for caregivers loved ones to be very specific.
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  I'm gonna come over on Thursday and I'm gonna mow your grass for you.
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  I'll be over between 10 and 11.
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  Um I won't bother you.
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  I just didn't want to freak you out when I came over or um,
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  hey,
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  I am going to Kroger to get myself some milk,
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  put your list together and in 15 minutes,
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  I'll be right there and I'll pick that list up and I'm gonna go get those things that you might need and,
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  you know,
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  being very specific in what we want to help them with.
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  And,
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  you know,
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  I can think about instances in life of maybe when we've had some challenges and sometimes you just feel so overwhelmed that you really don't even know what to ask for or you can't think through,
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  um through,
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  think through what to ask for.
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  So having that friend that would call and say,
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  you know,
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  I know,
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  I know you gotta have groceries and I'm going so tell me what it is can really kind of,
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  I feel like,
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  help an individual realize what it is that they even need to even think through,
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  even think through their needs.
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  Right.
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  And if,
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  you know,
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  if your friend is experiencing some symptoms that they're having some nausea,
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  you know,
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  knowing that things like that are gonna upset the nausea,
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  you know,
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  you don't want to buy anything that's maybe like a tomato base sometimes.
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  Right?
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  Or if you know that they have been losing weight and you want to get them some protein bulking kind of products,
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  you know,
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  trying to just kind of figure that out.
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  So when you're listening as part of the process and conversations with your friends and listening for those symptoms and side effects,
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  kind of taking just a mental note.
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  Ok,
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  they've had some weight loss and I'm gonna try to get them some protein or maybe some few carbs in there and make maybe a,
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  a pasta dish of some kind with some chicken in it or something.
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  Right.
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  And just kind of just knowing if they do tell you no,
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  because they probably will sometimes because maybe they just don't want to,
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  maybe they feel guilty,
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  whatever that might be and,
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  and saying,
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  well,
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  I'm gonna make a meal,
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  I'm gonna put together,
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  you know,
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  there's a meal train,
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  um,
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  website that you can go to and people can sign up to take meals and these people can,
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  the patients can put,
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  OK,
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  I've got two kids and they're picky eaters.
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  They don't like mushrooms,
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  they don't like this.
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  And then people have these parameters to go around and can bring you something or maybe they need a low sodium diet or whatever it might be.
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  So they're able to go and specifically address those kind of,
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  you know,
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  kind of concerns through the meal train.
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  And I think that's also a great way to just kind of be able to show that those specific requests are so helpful.
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  Um Hey,
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  I know you have radiation every day.
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  Um I can take you on Tuesday,
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  Thursday,
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  maybe give your partner a break.
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  Um I'm happy to do it.
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  It's not gonna cost me anything.
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  I don't have to do anything.
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  I'm not gonna miss work,
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  everything's fine.
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  Um So just instead of saying that open blanket of let me know what you need,
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  which I'm guilty of myself,
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  I will admit,
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  right?
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  Because I mean,
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  it goes back to some of that being uncomfortable and not knowing what to say or how to say it or,
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  but again,
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  using those listening skills and,
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  and also I think just thinking about our everyday lives,
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  if it's an individual that's at a similar life stage or what would we need in that situation and then being specific with that request,
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  right?
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  Another thing that I always kind of suggest to um loved ones as well is to not share personal horror stories.
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  Um,
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  so if you were newly diagnosed with something and,
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  and then you're like,
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  oh,
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  my best friend had that she had a horrible time with treatment and,
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  and all these bad things happen to him.
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  Right.
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  Um,
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  so trying to kind of refrain from sharing those stories and just saying,
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  well,
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  I know that I had a friend that went through it that,
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  you know,
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  her situation was unique to her or something kind of more encompassing.
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  But,
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  you know,
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  my best friend would be happy to talk to you too if you wanted to,
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  you know,
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  speak to somebody who's been there and done that.
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  Um,
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  that's also something else that,
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  you know,
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  we could try to do but hearing those horror stories,
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  you know,
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  it just doesn't help the morality.
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  Yeah.
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  And I think it's kind of interesting that you say that I always think about pregnant women and it seems like when everybody,
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  when you're nine months pregnant,
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  everyone wants to tell you their horrific labor and delivery story.
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  Um,
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  yeah,
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  that,
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  that you might not really want that when you're nine months pregnant.
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  But it,
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  I mean,
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  that's,
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  that's,
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  um,
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  making a little jest there but somewhat similar that,
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  that,
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  you know,
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  after the fact,
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  if you want to talk about it,
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  after the,
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  after you're through it and you've come out on the other side,
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  maybe that's the time to talk about it.
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  But as you're heading into it,
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  it can be very scary and,
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  and add additional unneeded stress.
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  Absolutely.
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  And,
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  you know,
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  when I was talking about,
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  like,
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  you know,
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  oh,
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  I have my best friend who had this similar diagnosis.
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  Let's see if you two want to get together and talk.
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  There are a lot of great organizations out there that do peer to peer support.
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  So they try to,
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  um,
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  match based off of,
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  um,
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  age diagnosis treatment,
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  all kinds of different things that they take into consideration so that you can kind of talk to somebody who has walked in those shoes and it's come out on the other side.
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  And I think the biggest takeaway from that is it offers a really great sense of hope.
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  And um and this is available for caregivers as well.
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  Um So that's something else I always like to point out too is that it's great for patients and people who are going through it,
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  but it's also great for caregivers who are trying to navigate this situation and figure things out as they go along and getting little tips from somebody else who's done this.
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  And this is what worked for my partner.
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  This is what worked for me,
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  you know,
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  um,
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  and hearing those kind of opinions in that manner.
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  So,
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  um,
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  so there's some really great ones around here in Kentucky and nationally that you can really plug into depending on the diagnosis and mentioning caregivers.
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  I'm assuming the tips that we've talked about in terms of tangible ways to show that you care.
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  We're more or less referring to an individual that might be going through a diagnosis or treatment.
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  But I'm certain the same would apply to caregivers in,
• 12:47
  um,
• 12:47
  how is it that you can listen to them and have an open conversation with them and be specific in saying I'm dropping y'all off dinner tonight because they may be exhausted as well and overwhelmed as well.
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  Even if they're not the individual with the diagnosis,
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  I think the information that we've shared already would be applicable to both people completely.
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  And,
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  um,
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  and sometimes too,
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  I always call my caregivers kind of like a,
• 13:13
  a silent supper,
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  you know,
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  for lack of better words because they're taking on some new responsibilities and they're compensating for their loved one who's not able to,
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  um,
• 13:22
  fully care for themselves perhaps.
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  And they are just kind of forgotten about,
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  you know,
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  all the focus is on the person who's undergoing treatment and he is sick and rightfully so,
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  but sometimes as a caregiver,
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  it's really hard and you feel out there and alone by yourself.
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  So making sure that when you're,
• 13:38
  um,
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  you know,
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  meeting with your friend who's going through treatment,
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  also talking to the caregivers who are the primary people in the loved one's life who are helping to do that,
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  whether it be a spouse,
• 13:47
  you know,
• 13:48
  daughter or son,
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  whatever,
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  it might be.
• 13:50
  Excellent,
• 13:50
  Joan.
• 13:51
  Thank you so much for joining us today and having this conversation.
• 13:55
  I,
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  I just think it's great tips and reminders for,
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  for folks of they do care,
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  but how is it that they can actively show,
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  show that care to their friend or family member?
• 14:05
  Thank you for letting me be part of it today.
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  I'm really excited to get to,
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  to talk with you today.
• 14:10
  Thanks.
• 14:11
  Thank you.
• 14:14
  Thank you for listening to cancer Conversations on Talking Facts.
• 14:18
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• 14:23
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• 14:27
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