Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Does Your Child Mirror Your Worst Habits?

Transcript

Does Your Child Mirror Your Worst Habits? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. It's another Friday.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: It's been a big week and finally we get to
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  Speaker 1: sit down and talk about all the parenting that I
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  Speaker 1: haven't done and that Kylie has done this week so
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  Speaker 1: that we can learn how to be better parents. I
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  Speaker 1: have actually got a couple of really really big stories
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  Speaker 1: to share though, about how we can get things right
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  Speaker 1: when things are emotionally charged at home, based on something
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  Speaker 1: that happened last week when I was at home with
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  Speaker 1: the whole family. Kylie, You've got something lined up for
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  Speaker 1: us as well.
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  Speaker 2: And today I'm going to share how sometimes our kids
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  Speaker 2: are the mirror to our own souls.
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  Speaker 1: We'll find out what Kylie means right after the break
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  Speaker 1: on The Happy Family's podcast. Welcome to the Happy Families
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  Speaker 1: Podcast Friday edition. It's I'll Do Better Tomorrow, where we
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: review the week that was, work out what worked, what didn't,
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  Speaker 1: and try to give you some inspose so that you
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  Speaker 1: can make your family happier. My name's got to Justin
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  Speaker 1: Colson on here with Kylie, mum to our six kids.
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  Speaker 1: Highly you have said something cryptic about what you're going
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  Speaker 1: to share, mirrors to souls for our children just before
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  Speaker 1: we go there, received an email we love your emails,
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  Speaker 1: we love your voice notes podcasts at happy families dot
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  Speaker 1: com dot you. That's podcasts with an s at happy
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  Speaker 1: families dot com dot you. I just want to read
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  Speaker 1: this out. A GP, a co owner of medical practice
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  Speaker 1: and a GP in the northern suburbs of Brisbane, got
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  Speaker 1: in touch mum to a couple of teenagers. Felt compelled,
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  Speaker 1: she says, to send an email to you to share
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  Speaker 1: my thoughts. Here's the background. I work with lots of
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  Speaker 1: young families and adolescents and support them through lots of challenges. Recently,
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  Speaker 1: I've been feeling uneasiness with the way mental health treatment
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  Speaker 1: has been progressing. So much money spent, so many psychologists
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  Speaker 1: and psychiatrists and overall so so so many medications for
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  Speaker 1: these people without much improvement. And on top of the
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  Speaker 1: depression anxiety epidemic, I've been overwhelmed every week with adults
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  Speaker 1: wanting referrals for ADHD diagnosis. Then, she says, the Queensland
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  Speaker 1: Government came out with the news in December allowing gps
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  Speaker 1: in Queensland to diagnose and prescribe medications for ADHD without
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  Speaker 1: further training. Couldn't believe this decision. It seemed crazy to me.
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  Speaker 1: Why would the solution be more doctors and easier to prescribe.
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  Speaker 1: We are in health economic crisis, huge money spent on
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  Speaker 1: these subsidized medications, sending PBS medicare into debt. Yes, no
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  Speaker 1: one can get into see a psychiatrist, but that at
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  Speaker 1: least was keeping the epidemic at bay. Now there will
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  Speaker 1: be no stopping this epidemic. Why are people so wanting
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  Speaker 1: of this diagnosis? I have very accomplished professionals seeing me
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  Speaker 1: requesting referrals. The world seems to have gone mad over
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  Speaker 1: ADHD diagnosis. Then she says the following. A few weeks
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  Speaker 1: after hearing your recommendation on your book review episode of
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families, I ordered Searching for Normal from book Topia
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  Speaker 1: that arrived last weekend. I can't tell you the visceral
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  Speaker 1: reaction I have had to reading this book. I only
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  Speaker 1: started two days ago. I'm halfway through reading it, but
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  Speaker 1: the authorites so articulatelyut what I've been feeling in my
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  Speaker 1: gut for years. I've been reading sitting up next to
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  Speaker 1: my husband in bed, and nearly every few pages I
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  Speaker 1: dig him in the ribs and say, see, yes, I
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  Speaker 1: agree this is exactly how I feel. This is my
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  Speaker 1: exact patient, and what the lack of evidence for our
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  Speaker 1: treatment guidelines is so absent. Anyway, she goes on to say,
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  Speaker 1: I feel so emotional and passionate about this, and I
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  Speaker 1: don't know where to turn. I feel like I need
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  Speaker 1: to start yelling this from the mountaintops. I started discussing
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  Speaker 1: our tea room at work yesterday asking if anyone had
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  Speaker 1: read the book. Nobody had. I feel like I just
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  Speaker 1: can't keep seeing these families and agreeing to the distortion
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  Speaker 1: of truth. And she goes on to say a few
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  Speaker 1: things about mental health care plans for psychologists and just
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  Speaker 1: how messed it all up. I wanted to share that
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  Speaker 1: because we made a pretty big deal about searching for
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  Speaker 1: Normal by Sammy to Mimi on the podcast last year,
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  Speaker 1: and I've come under rod of fire from people who
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  Speaker 1: are not professionals, but who are just desperate because their
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  Speaker 1: kids are driving them crazy or because they're being driven crazy.
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  Speaker 1: And I keep on getting this kind of feedback kyly
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  Speaker 1: because we are not dealing with the mental health challenges
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  Speaker 1: that we've got in this country properly and giving gps
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  Speaker 1: who are not trained the authorization to start writing more
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  Speaker 1: scripts for more diagnosis, which they're also not qualified to
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  Speaker 1: be giving. It's beyond the pale. It's completely inappropriate. It's
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  Speaker 1: absolutely wrong that the government's doing it, and that the
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  Speaker 1: doctors are doing it, pediatricians are doing it. They're not
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  Speaker 1: actually the people who should be doing this. And we've
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  Speaker 1: got massive problems. So there you go. There's my bright
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  Speaker 1: ray of sunshine to start off our Friday. I'll do
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  Speaker 1: better tomorrow. Do you want to add anything to that
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  Speaker 1: or do you just want to tell us your happy story?
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  Speaker 2: No? I just I feel so saddened by the idea
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  Speaker 2: that the answer to our problems is just another drug
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  Speaker 2: or just another label. And I look at individual people
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  Speaker 2: in my own life that are very close to me
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  Speaker 2: and watch how the medical profession has literally slowly eaten
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  Speaker 2: away at any chance of enjoyment in life, because as
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  Speaker 2: soon as there's a problem, there's just another drug added
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  Speaker 2: to the cocktail.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, So it's offer pills, not skills.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. And I remember when you and I first got married,
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  Speaker 2: and I used to come to you with my challenges
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  Speaker 2: and you would be so burdened by it because you
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  Speaker 2: thought your job was to fix them. And I kind
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  Speaker 2: of feel like gps play that role. We come in,
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  Speaker 2: we tell them we've got a problem and their job
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  Speaker 2: is to fix it, instead of us looking at them
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  Speaker 2: as almost a sounding board and an opportunity to get
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  Speaker 2: curious and try and kind of understand.
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  Speaker 1: And we look at the board options the best ones do.
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  Speaker 1: The best ones say, well, let's talk more about that,
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  Speaker 1: and let's let's see if we In fact, I've read
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  Speaker 1: about some very unique gps who are prescribing exercise and
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  Speaker 1: prescribing food as medicine.
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  Speaker 2: Or green space or meditation.
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  Speaker 1: They're actually prescribing and that they're writing it on the
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  Speaker 1: nights and go home and do this, and when adherence occurs,
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  Speaker 1: well being follows. We just do not have enough people
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  Speaker 1: who are willing to step away from that medical model.
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  Speaker 1: The other thing that makes it really hard is that
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  Speaker 1: we've lost confidence in our ability to get through things.
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  Speaker 1: We feel like we need to always be getting an expert,
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  Speaker 1: getting somebody into help us. I know I'm doing myself
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  Speaker 1: out of a job by saying this, but we've got
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  Speaker 1: to back ourselves a little bit more and just go, okay,
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  Speaker 1: I can actually do this. It's okay. The number of
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  Speaker 1: parents who want me to give them permission to say
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  Speaker 1: no to their children. I'm like, I don't need to
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  Speaker 1: give you permission. You can do that anyway. That was
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  Speaker 1: the emault that came through. We get plenty like that,
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  Speaker 1: but that one just struck me, I guess because it's
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  Speaker 1: somebody who is really working out the cold face dealing
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  Speaker 1: with this and is literally doing the work and saying,
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  Speaker 1: why are we doing this? It's not right. We just
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  Speaker 1: need more people who are brave enough to do it
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  Speaker 1: rather than just go with the flow. What's your odd about?
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  Speaker 1: It's morrow, Kylie.
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  Speaker 2: Well, this week's been a little bit challenging, and I
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  Speaker 2: did find myself in a bit an altercation with one
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  Speaker 2: of our children, and as we were talking, she was
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  Speaker 2: very emotionally heightened and was really struggling to, I guess,
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  Speaker 2: take accountability for the part that she was playing in
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  Speaker 2: this challenge.
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  Speaker 1: So we've got a saying at home, if you can't
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  Speaker 1: take accountability and own it and be responsible, that's using
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  Speaker 1: your or right r ownership, accountability, responsibility, that you're in bed, blame,
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  Speaker 1: excuse and denial, And you're saying she was in bed.
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  Speaker 2: And I've heard the saying before that children's behavior is
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  Speaker 2: often a mirror to our own behavior and challenges. And
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  Speaker 2: as I was sitting there watching her falling apart and
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  Speaker 2: getting more and more frustrated by the whole situation so dramatic,
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  Speaker 2: it occurred to me that there've been plenty times in
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  Speaker 2: our relationship where you have come and made a suggestion
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  Speaker 2: or queried me on something, and I have taken offense
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  Speaker 2: or suggested any number of reasons why you were incorrect
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  Speaker 2: or anything. And it's not pretty watching your child act
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  Speaker 2: in such a way that reflects behavior you recognize in
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  Speaker 2: your own life. Hence the merit to your soul.
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  Speaker 1: Right, Okay, you do get a bit defensive if I
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  Speaker 1: offer a suggestion that is not requested from time to time,
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  Speaker 1: maybe as much as I try not to. I grew
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  Speaker 1: up in a home where suggestions were fluent and fast coming,
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  Speaker 1: like my parents or my mum especially always had suggestions
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  Speaker 1: for how we could do things better.
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  Speaker 2: And I grew up in a home where it was
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  Speaker 2: everybody else's problem.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so funny, isn't it. How you get together
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  Speaker 1: and you're supposed to just figure this stuff out. Here
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  Speaker 1: we are thirty years in almost and we're kind of
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  Speaker 1: going we're just learning stuff about.
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  Speaker 2: This But a short time after that experience, you rang
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  Speaker 2: me and I may have jumped down your throat through
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  Speaker 2: the phone yep about something, and I got off the phone.
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  Speaker 2: You were so good. You just said, okay, i'll talk
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  Speaker 2: to you soon, and you hung up, and I rang
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  Speaker 2: you back.
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  Speaker 1: I think I said nicer things than that. I'm just saying.
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  Speaker 1: I think I told you that I love you even
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  Speaker 1: when you're mad at me. No, you didn't, I'm pretty
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  Speaker 1: sure say any of that. You just I always say
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  Speaker 1: things like that, let me go.
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  Speaker 2: And about three or four minutes, as I sat with it,
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  Speaker 2: I was like, oh wow, that was really harsh. He
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  Speaker 2: didn't deserve that. And I rang you back and I apologized.
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  Speaker 2: But the thing that stood out to me the most
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  Speaker 2: in that small interaction was number One, you could have
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  Speaker 2: been seething for those three minutes because I had treated
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  Speaker 2: you poorly in that moment, that when you answered the phone,
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  Speaker 2: it was like you were so excited to talk to me.
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  Speaker 2: And I apologized and you just said I love you
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  Speaker 2: no matter what. And I'm really grateful that, in spite
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  Speaker 2: of both of our upbringings, that there is this deep
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  Speaker 2: desire to find middle ground and to love no matter
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  Speaker 2: what And in spite of the challenges we had with
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  Speaker 2: this particular child on this, I think that we came
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  Speaker 2: around to all of us sitting in the room understanding
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  Speaker 2: and knowing that no matter what, there is just deep
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  Speaker 2: love and appreciation for the abundantly good lives we get
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  Speaker 2: to live and we get to share together.
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  Speaker 1: That's the whole box and dice. That's the entirety of
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  Speaker 1: what it's about. Can we stop doing dumb things? But
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  Speaker 1: if we do, can we forgive each other? And can
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  Speaker 1: we move on and be better as a result of it.
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  Speaker 1: That's literally all that matters. It's the whole thing. Holding
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  Speaker 1: on to grudges doesn't serve anyone. Being upset and seething
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  Speaker 1: doesn't serve anyone.
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  Speaker 2: I think the challenge for many people is that if
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  Speaker 2: I take accountability for the part that I've played, then
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  Speaker 2: I'm actually giving the other person permission to not take accountability.
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  Speaker 2: That's what it feels like. It feels like if I'm saying, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: that was my fault, then I'm taking the responsibility of
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  Speaker 2: the whole situation on board. But that's not what accountability
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  Speaker 2: is about. It's about acknowledging that I've played a role
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  Speaker 2: in this. I don't need to take your stuff on,
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  Speaker 2: but I can acknowledge.
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  Speaker 1: Mine family life is sometimes, but my goodness, it's so rich,
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  Speaker 1: so worth it. So I was going to share my
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  Speaker 1: awesome story and it's an absolute banger, but times up,
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  Speaker 1: we need to wrap it up there. So I really
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  Speaker 1: really hope that you enjoyed this conversation. Thank you so
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  Speaker 1: much for listening to The Happy Family's podcast. We will
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: get into the nitty gritty of the other stuff that
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: we deal with and the just the huge challenges that
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  Speaker 1: being a parent can bring into our lives on an
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  Speaker 1: upcoming episode. Have a great weekend. The Happy Families podcast
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  Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media and Mim
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: Hammonds provides all of our additional support. More details are
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: available at Happy families dot com dot au