Latest / The Family Teams Podcast / Ep. 24 | Dealing with Our Past as Dads

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Ep. 24 | Dealing with Our Past as Dads · The Family Teams Podcast

• 0:06
  Hey guys, welcome to the 5-Minute Fatherhood Podcast. I'm your co-host, Jeff Beth Key, along with my friend and mentor, Jeremy Pryor. Join us Monday through Friday as we chat about quick tips, skills, and ways to help equip you on your journey as a father to build your multi-generational family team on mission. Stay tuned.
• 0:27
  Hey guys, welcome back to the 5-Minute Fatherhood. Jeremy and Jeff here, and we are talking today about the problem that so many people face when they hear the word multi-generational. They think about their upstream family, and they're like, wait a minute, there was a lot of dysfunction in my family growing up. Do I really want to build a multi-generational family? If that means actually involving and bringing all that dysfunction into my family, that
• 0:55
  is sort of just starting, and I really want to start fresh. And so this is a question we get all the time because so many people do. They are trying to be sort of the first generation to establish really a healthy family culture, and so it becomes really challenging to figure out what do you do with extended family. And so the first thing just to keep in mind, you guys, is that when we talk about multigenerational family,
• 1:20
  There are certainly scenarios where upstream generations are at a level of dysfunction and abuse where it's healthy and important to create some strong, clear boundaries with that generation. By the way, that does not mean that you can't build a multigenerational family.
• 1:39
  you can focus your attention on the downstream generations. Our model for this entire conversation around being multigenerational fathers is Abraham, and he had a very dysfunctional upstream generation. If you want to read about it, it's right at the end of Joshua. Joshua actually confronts Israel and says, Guys, you don't want to be—we're sons of Abraham, not sons of Terah. That was Abraham's dad. He was an idol worshiper, and Abraham left Israel.
• 2:05
  that dysfunction behind. And so sometimes we oftentimes ask people, are you an Isaac and Rebecca generation or an Abraham and Sarah generation? Isaac and Rebecca generations are really, you know, second, third, fourth, they're in a multi-generational stream, and they are really building on...
• 2:22
  the foundation that was laid by generations in the past. And if you're an Isaac and Rebecca generation, you're constantly thinking about, well, how do we enfold and how do we engage the upstream generations? But if you're an Abraham and Sarah generation, really kind of, God says, leave your father's house and establish a new family, hey, that happens, and that is part of
• 2:42
  building a multi-generational family. And you guys are just as much a part of this project of what it means to be a multi-generational family as an Isaac and Rebecca generation. And so that is something we want to encourage you guys to understand that that is part of what a lot of people are dealing with. But I'd love to ask you, Jeff, that's all sort of really high-level, big picture, but the reality is...
• 3:06
  grandparents come around and they want to spend time with their kids and we want to figure out ways to honor them and not resent them. And, but there was maybe some really tough stuff that happened. And so how do you talk or think about how to deal with that? Yeah. When I feel like when everyone approaches with these kinds of questions, what I try to tell them and encourage them with is everyone has a different story, but you also, no matter where your family falls, you know, aunts, uncles, grandparents, some other people from out of, you know, that live States away that you barely know in your family.
• 3:34
  Don't run from your story. That has to be core. Don't run from your story. I think nine times out of 10, people sometimes use the, oh, we're Christians and we're starting a new legacy sometimes as an excuse to run from their story.
• 3:50
  Now, that's different than maybe just saying you need to live in health, saying you need to do maybe sever some ties for relational health. But I feel like that's such a more like red panic button that doesn't need to usually be used. And only one out of ten times does that need to be used, the severing. Yeah. A lot of times everyone's right in the middle. Like we're all sinful. We're all messed up. And some of us are.
• 4:11
  you know, we have a vision that we do believe God has put us on. And so we want to carve that path and chase that path. But I also think like, like, be honest with your kids is another way to say, like, don't run from your story. And that's something I think it's important to all of us. And so we actually, you know, I love asking, you know, my side of the family and Alyssa's side of the family, like what, like, like go farther back, tell us stories, tell us where the hard parts were, tell us where, you know, maybe there was some dysfunction, because I actually want to know that. And we want to know that. And,
• 4:37
  Uh, we want to, you know, I think it is helpful to know what to look out for. And there's a lot of different angles, a lot of different realms here, but I would say don't run from your story is a huge part. And then maybe Jeremy, I love what you put in the notes, a couple of those couple of bullets. If you want to say, I think that first one is kind of one that I hit on is yeah. Be honest with your kids, not try to hide the story, pretend the story didn't happen. Um, but then yeah, find ways to honor and resolve resentment. I love those. What would you say about those?
• 4:59
  Yeah. So if you can find even small ways to honor the upstream generations, I mean, like we were talking about, we're going to talk a lot about when there is a really—there's a lot of opportunity. Like Jeff said, most of us live in this middle space, which is there was dysfunction, but it wasn't to the level that we want to create hard boundaries between our generation and a previous generation.
• 5:25
  That's a very difficult thing to do. It should be something that you should only do in extreme circumstances, but there are circumstances that warrant it, and we want to be sensitive to those of you guys who are in those circumstances. And we're really speaking directly just to those families, and I do think it's a fairly small percentage, but we know you're there.
• 5:44
  And we know this is really hard. And so resolving that resentment is really critical. I like what Jeff is saying. Tell the full story to your kids as they're getting older. Obviously, you want to do it at an age-appropriate time. But it's important that they understand, hey, this isn't what we want for our relationship going forward. That kind of hard boundary that you see between...
• 6:06
  our family and a different upstream generation of our family. We really want to be a family team from this point forward. And so let me be honest with you about what happened back there. And part of what we're doing is in this generational attempt at growth and health is we're trying to restore our family line.
• 6:27
  And so part of what that looks like is for us to start a new sort of chapter in the family story. And I like what you're saying, Jeff. We don't erase the previous chapters. That's a really boring story, right? The story you want to see is a story where we did go through as a family really, really tough times. But that's the legacy that you guys are trying to build by saying we want a new chapter, and you want to involve your kids and help them see kind of where they fit in life,
• 6:52
  family line and in the restoration that is happening in your family line. And so talking about that, casting that vision, bringing your kids into that, and then if God were to open doors to those upstream generations as you're growing, get more mature, get healthier, get more healing, then that obviously is even a better story to see that restoration really happen there. And we always want to encourage any movement that direction. But
• 7:20
  But we understand those hard lines, and this is maybe one way to think about how to continue to really be motivated in the progress of your multigenerational family when you're trying to absorb or be the first generation coming out of a really, really tough and potentially destructive chapter in the family story.
• 7:43
  Hey guys, one of our favorite places to hang out on is the family teams, Instagram. That is where you will find tips, quotes, tricks, and a bunch of other conversational things to help you build your family team on mission. If you're on Instagram and you want to get encouragement as you do this and build your family team, just head over to Instagram and follow us at family teams.