Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / November 8, 2022 | Expresso - Sarah Robare

Transcript

November 8, 2022 | Expresso - Sarah Robare · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Sarah My Faith started young.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: It is something that is written so deeply on my heart that it would take more faith to not believe than to believe what I have always known as facts.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Connie asked me why I wanted to speak tonight because, like she said, typically people don't reach out and volunteer for this.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: I went through a lot this year and God was my rock through all of it.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: And even from my lowest points, I held on to the fact that God is good.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I wanted to scream that from the mountaintops and share that with as many people as I possibly could.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: So perfect venue for that.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: My story.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Do I click?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Spacebar.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, spacebar.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: My story started on February 6th at 8 09 a.m.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I got in a car accident.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: I would not typically be out on this road at this time of day on a Sunday.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was there because other events changing my typical schedule.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: At the time, the sun was creating that very dangerous situation where everything is just yellow and you can't see anything until it's too late.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I saw something.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: This still haunts me when I think about it.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: I swerved off the road, back onto the road, into the guardrail, bounced, and then back into the guardrail.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: The seatbelt smushed me to my seat so tightly, I was almost one with it and was only able to move my arms.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Praise the Lord, I was okay.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: I was in shock, but I was okay.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: I called 911 and kept saying, I need to call my mom.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: And the 911 lady keeps asking me questions, and I keep just saying, I need to call my mom on repeat.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um, she then asked me how old I am, and I say, 34, but you don't know my mom.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: And in my brain, my number one priority was to tell my mom that I'm okay, um, even though she didn't know any different.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: Uh after the shock wore off, I became super annoyed.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, this wasn't my typical weekend routine.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't supposed to be there that morning.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: My plans for this day didn't include a car accident.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: It didn't include calling my parents to come get me.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I did not have time for this.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I hate the emergency room.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to deal with a three-hour wait for them to tell me I'm fine.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um I initially wasn't gonna go to the emergency room, but my mom convinced me to get checked out.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: I compromised by going to a walk-in clinic because I figured they have an x-ray machine.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: All they need to do is x-ray me, and then I'll be on my way.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so we went to the um walk-in clinic and sorry.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like I had said, my seatbelt had smushed me against my seat, and that caused some intense abdominal pain.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, walk-in clinics do not have a CT scan, so they sent me to the emergency room.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Again, I was not happy.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um I had my parents drop me off at the ER because I was not in a good mood and I wanted to be alone.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there was actually no weight in the ER, surprisingly, but I don't know how that happened.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: My ER doctor was um Armand Hines, um, a guy I went to high school with and took a very miserable thermodynamics class with in college.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it was a bit weird because wasn't expecting to see him, um, but he was very good.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I got to the ER around noon and he said I should be out by four.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: See, at least three hours.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um They did the CT, and right on schedule, it was almost four.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: I was eager to go home and get the needle out of my arm.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: He came in and said they found something on my scan.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Not sure if it was internal bleeding or if it was something else at this point, and they were gonna keep me overnight for observation.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Again, super annoyed.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but also a bit uncertain and concerned.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Not much information on things at this point.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: I call my mom, I message my boss that work isn't gonna be happening tomorrow.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm alone in the hospital with nothing to do, so side note, always bring a book.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um late at night, they move me to the young adult center.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the next morning, another familiar face ended up being my nurse.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: I had gone to elementary school with this guy.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, by looks, he is not someone you would consider um a nurse, but he is amazing.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, at this point, I am very eager to get home.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: I am able to move around, and having people wait on me like I'm disabled is very annoying and too much.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um I also need to get home to take care of my rabbit.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: The surgeon comes in and tells me there is a mass on my liver and it is pushing on my inferior vena cava, which is the main vein coming back from the lower half of your body if you're not a medical professional, um, to your heart.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: He drew a diagram and then his pager went off and he ran out the door.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: His assistant stayed and gave me the next steps on what to do.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: At this point, they told me it is hemangioma, which is benign, nothing to worry about, very common in women because it's caused by estrogen.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: And they wanted to do an MRI to get more information.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Not really telling me much at this point, but that I can go home.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: I was very happy about that.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: I finally got home.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: I was confused, tired, and sore, and I had a lot of things to figure out.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: Even though you go through something, the world still more moves forward.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Looking back on this, this accident was a huge blessing.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: It was not what I wanted, but God knew it was exactly what I needed so I can discover this health issue.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: I later get the MRI and go to a follow-up appointment.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: This doctor had a horrible bedside manner.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, he maintained a no-big deal attitude throughout the whole appointment.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: He pretty much said, um, there it is, and scrolled back and forth on the MRI.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, they now think it's a focal nodular hypoplasia, which is also benign, but um also common in women.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: And he didn't know what it was, so he Googled it in front of me.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um he asked me why I seemed so upset, and I said, You're acting so blasé, and my vein is at least 80% blocked here.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: He got short and said, We don't do this here.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm giving you a referral, then left.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I tried speaking to his nurse.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: She patted me like a child, not actually listening, but more of a poor you, and there, there.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: I really just want answers, um, not sympathy.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I don't know if you can tell this side here.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um this right here is how my thing is supposed to look.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um this thing right here is my thing, and this is here.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's what that is.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um I left feeling alone and unheard.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: I sat in my car and I wept a biblical screaming weep.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I cried for an hour and a half.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: I then cleaned myself up and I went to work the same day pretending I was okay.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: The thought that I clung to in that moment was God's got this.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Fun fact the new car that I had just purchased does not have tinted windows like my old car.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm in the parking lot and there is a guy next to me in the van, and I'm pretty sure I terrified him because I think he was just sitting there waiting on someone.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um tinted windows are a blessing.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so after work, I did the thing that you were not supposed to do when faced with a medical issue.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: I went on Google and WebMD.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I saw photos of the surgery, the scar that I would be left with, and the length of recovery time I was now facing.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: I cried even more.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: That evening, when I showered, I started having what if shower thoughts.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um I am not a medical professional, but based on the information, the very little information I did have that this was collapsing my vein, that estrogen makes these things grow.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: It was emphasized that I was not to be on birth control or anything with estrogen.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the thought that popped into my head is what if they tell me I shouldn't and can't have children?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, what if I'm never able to have a little boy or girl with the messy hair that runs prevalently through my family?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, would the life that I live and the life that God does give me still be beautiful and still worth living?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: The answer I came to was a resounding yes.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: I had been faced with a similar question a few years earlier, and my answer was yes, but I still want what I want.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um this time it was just yes, because whatever life God gives me will be so beautiful and worth living, even if it doesn't look like everyone else's journey.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: A difficult life is not less worth living than a gentle one.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: I finally get the referral to KU Med.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: I looked at the scans and I'm now being told that they think it is an inflammatory adenoma.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: This is benign but has the potential to turn into cancer.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Not what I was expecting to hear that morning.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um they recommended removal.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: I had the option to do a biopsy, but there was no guarantee of getting enough material to test due to its location.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: I honestly wanted this thing out of me.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um also due to its location.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: They couldn't do this surgery laparoscopically, which if you don't know what that is, they make a bunch of small incisions and stick things in you and I don't know, do things remotely.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um so they would have to open me up.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: My mom didn't receive this news well.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: She also didn't agree with my decision to have surgery and wanted me to wait.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: The doctors recommended against this, and these conversations did add a lot of stress to what I was facing.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: My parents had driven me to the appointment that morning in the middle of a snowstorm.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: My mom's focus at this point is on my dad's driving through the snow.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm in the backseat and started thinking about life again.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: I think about how a lot of people say, Why me when something like this happens, but never say, why me when something good happens.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: The question then becomes, why not me?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: While this is something that is scary and not something I wanted to go through, I am just like every other person and not exempt from health scares, hard times, or accidents.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Having faith doesn't protect me from the bad, it gives me someone to walk through the bad with.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: I get back to work, I talk to my bosses, and they tell me to take care of myself and they will figure it out.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I schedule the surgery.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: The unpleasant boss that I had at the time, and I will mention later, said to me, You were going to have a huge, ugly scar.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: How do you feel about that?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I replied, Well, I'll be alive, so pretty good.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um I realized that some people just aren't good people no matter what you are going through.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um I started prepping everything in my life for post-surgery.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: Again, I am not a medical professional.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I have heard stories of friends and news who go into a routine surgery and something happens which results in their death.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't think I was going to die, but I cleaned as if I was going to die, and my mom would have to go through everything.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um I wanted it all in order.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I worked diligently to have as much of my workload done as possible, and I left a detailed list of incomplete items so it would be easy for someone to finish.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: The night before the surgery, I sat down and I prayed.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: I prayed that I don't know how things are gonna go, but to let me come through this and be okay.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: I pray that if he needed me to die as part of another person's story and to teach someone else about him, then his will be done.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to die, but if that's what he needs, okay.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: I realize that if God is putting something unspeakable on the plate in front of you, then that is what needs to be accepted.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: From our perspective, we think there are much better options.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: Living a full life with a nice husband and kids.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: But from his perspective, though, he knows better.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: And whatever it is he has us face, good or bad, is the best thing for us.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: Don't ask me how.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: I just know it is.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I went into the surgery with the same level of peace.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: I go to bed at night.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not sure if that was faith or ignorance.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the surgery was two and a half hours.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was in post op for a while because there wasn't a room available until late at night.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Again, in my very drugged up state, my main goal was to let my mom know I'm okay.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: Uh my parents left shortly after I got to my room because the nurses had a lot to do to get me settled.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: I remember I was not comfortable.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: I could not move much.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I couldn't feel my midsection.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um, hold on a second.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: So that is my scar, and that is my I don't feel well face.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um I was in a very drug state, but I do remember thinking it's not supposed to be this way.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, then internally scolding myself, thinking, how the heck is it supposed to be?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you just had your liver flipped around like a pancake.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um I don't remember this part because of drugs.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um my night nurse the second day was the same lady, and she came and she said she really liked my mantra that I kept saying last night.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: I asked what it was because I don't remember, and she said I kept saying, This is only the first day.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um side note, nurses are amazing.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I never realized the magnitude of their impact until I experienced it.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they are angels, and if you are a nurse, thank you so much.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, PT and OT people helped me start walking again.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they caught me the first day when I passed out trying to stand up.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: It took me three days to walk on my own, very slowly.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: They tell me that the mass is F and H and so it is benign.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they also took my gallbladder.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was not happy about that.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um I leave the hospital and I go home.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: One of my bestest, best friends came to stay with me and help out on things that I couldn't do.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I can't tell you the amount of love I felt.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there were people who I had thought hated me and wanted to see me crash and burn, who reached out to check on me and to make sure that I'm okay and they made me meals.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, there was an amazing amount of love and caring in my community that I had never realized or acknowledged.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it was amazing to feel that love.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: At this point, I'm a bit scared of recovery.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: The thoughts of what if I can't do this?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: What if something happens?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: What do I do?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: What if I heal wrong and mess myself up even more?
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, what if I go to sleep and I don't wake up because of a blood clot?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: In these times, I pray the Lord's prayer.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, as I went to bed every night, I prayed the Lord's repair on repeat.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it brought me back my peace again.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: I got through this with a lot of crying and a lot more prayer and the love of people in my community.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: I was a couch potato for a while and I went through physical therapy and am constantly working on gaining strength and pushing to do things I previously had been able to do with little effort.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: This whole year has been a lot for me.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: I started this year, oh, one second.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: Recovery buddy.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's my rabbit.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um he he helped me a lot through this.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um this whole year has been a lot for me.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: I started this year being super sick with COVID.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: I then got in a car accident finding this mass.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: I somehow tested positive for COVID yet again.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was then told there was a massive water damage in the apartment below me and something was leaking in my apartment.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: I then went through surgery and recovery.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: My air conditioning stopped working but kept running, giving me a massive$300 electric bill for months before figuring out what was actually wrong.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: Inflation and medical bills pushed my budget budget to its limits.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: I then had a birdmite infestation when birds decided to live in my neighbor's exhaust fan.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: I then had to stand in front of the higher-ups of my company and report my unpleasant boss for harassment.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: I then faced the huge fear I've had for years and finally took the eight-hour professional licensing exam that totes only a 50% pass rate.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: I am exhausted, and several times I have reached my limits, crying and not knowing how I could possibly move forward.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: Or I physically shook with fear.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: I took the next step though, and I told myself God has this and he knows where I'm gonna land.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: Through all these hard times, he has blessed me so much this year.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: The good things that came out of all this were meeting my neighbors, creating deeper bonds with current friends, making so many new friends, um, getting new plumbing and furnace and air conditioning units in my apartment, a new brand new 2022 car that I'm not sure how this happened, but I got it for like 3,000 less than MRCRP value.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um discovered an unknown health issue that could have been a lot worse if I left it alone.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: I have a better relationship with my mom, and of course, passing the exam that has been hanging over my head and will hopefully lead to a raise.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um none of this was because of me.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um I have spent years going in the wrong direction and walking away from God.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: I am not special.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: I am not the best at anything.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have the most donation or volunteer hours.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have a perfectly clean house with everything organized in cute boxes.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have perfect hair and makeup every time I go out.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: I am just me, and that is enough for God.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: My standing here today is truly by the grace of God and his blessings in my life.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: He has given, he has taken away, and he has done it all for me.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't matter if everything is falling apart around you.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: You are standing on the bedrock of Jesus, and you can step forward in confidence knowing that he is on your side.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: The words that I'm speaking to you are a mere print prick of what is actually a huge tsunami of the power and the presence God has in our lives.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: I have come to a couple of these before, and some women talk so easily about trusting God and have always wondered how.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's a muscle, and it's coming to the end of yourself, and it's a lot of things that one day just come together.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: I do want to meet mention that I did reach my breaking point in mid-October.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: I went to bed that night and actually prayed, God, I need a moment, and laid in bed with nothing on my mind as I fell asleep.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: I took the next day off and I spent the day intentionally not focusing on anything stressful that was happening in my life.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: I focused on the things that I love, and um, for me that was sewing, and it helped to revive my spirit and my faith.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was able to bounce back, but this next message is for anyone who has reached their breaking point and is considering suicide.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: Please don't do it.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: You are enough.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: It may feel like you are lacking or you're not measuring up, or maybe even too much for people.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, no.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: You are just the right amount and just the right person.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: And secondly, God's love is enough.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: The hurt, the uncertainty, the massive problem that looks like a mountain, God's love is enough to overcome it.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of throwing in the towel, bet on yourself and bet on God's love because he will rescue you.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: Also, the one thing I learned repeatedly this year is there is much more love in your community than you realize.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: There are so many people who see you and love having you around that you don't even notice.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you are not alone, so reach out.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: And that is all I got.