Latest / College Is Fine, Everything's Fine / #64 Talking Through Tension: How to Navigate Value Differences in Close Relationships

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#64 Talking Through Tension: How to Navigate Value Differences in Close Relationships · College Is Fine, Everything's Fine

riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002[00:00:00] I am Dr. Sarah Olivo. And I'm Dr. Liz Seidler, and you're listening to college is fine. Everything's fine.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Are we liveriverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: we're live, Sarah. How are you? Good morning.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: I feel like if we, if we get this episode out, it's gonna be a miracle. Hi everybody. Liz and I are like pumped drunk this morning. It's Monday morning, so, um, take that as you will. We just like can't get our act together a little bit. Um, we might share some of the discussions we were having before we started recorded or not.Let's see if you get lucky. Um, butriverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: yeah, we're just, we're kind of probably how you're feeling. You know, it's finals and you're not getting a lot of sleep. You're surviving on a lot of caffeineriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: are in a haze,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: yeah.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: sometimes you can, it's like you [00:01:00] need like the, the giggles, you know, just to sort of get through. I would think of like the church giggles, right? Where you're just like, you know, it's like you can't stop giggling over the most inappropriate things. But, um, but yeah, I'm on my second cup of coffee for sure this morning.Um, and I've got a, as people might or might know, um, I got my daughter. A cat for Christmas and it was a feral cat, but now this cat is obsessed with me and it's gonna be like meowing and plugging at the microphone cord the entire time. So just if you hear that in the background, you'll understand. Um, so we have an announcement, a kind of a fun update.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: That we, we do have an announcement. We have really taken things to the next level. We've heard from the peanut gallery that these faces that were made for podcasting needriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: accessible, not just in a reel, and we have a YouTube page.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yes, I know I'm wearing makeup today because of this. [00:02:00] It's a, um, I definitely was like, damn it, stupid YouTube page. I, I gotta like, take off my pa my PJs. Um.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Um,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: So, so yeah, hopefully this will be a place where we can have a little library of sorts, or if anyone is feeling like they wanna just check out these, these gorgeous mugs, then they can see us there.So it's gonna be a work in progress, right? Like we're not gonna just have this amazing thing yet, but we're gonna build that library out. So that if you wanna find us on YouTube, um, and we'll kind of try to categorize different things if you're feeling like there's a certain topic you want. So hopefully it'll just be another option for, for the folks listening.But yeah, so that's, that's how on the horizon, check it out. If you can even find us at this point, we're not exactly at the top of the Google page, but we'll get there. We'll get there.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Alright, so despite the giggles, um, we're gonna talk about maybe like a hard pivotriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: I know this is a serious topic.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: This is, this is [00:03:00] ariverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Why are we laughing?riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: this is a serious topic, but you know what I, I. I think, I'm hoping maybe some of the gentleness, uh, from our humor or the manner in which we started this, actually can be something that might help.Um, 'cause it's a topic we've talked about talking about, and I think it'sriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: most of humanity faces at some point in their life. And I know for sure it's a topic on a lot of college campuses.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: should we get into it, Sarah, this elusive topic.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah. So just like, say it already. Well, I have just noticed in the last, uh, year or so, um, I mean, and a little bit longer, but there's this whole, and I, we have sort of stayed away from words like, like politics and things like that, but I've just noticed more and more that the people I'm talking to. Coming into my office or just chatting with me and other capacities or saying we, my friendships are starting to be affected [00:04:00] by my views on the following things.Like, and it doesn't have, you know, it's not necessarily all one thing. Maybe it's the current president, maybe it's the Israeli Palestine conflict, maybe it's, you know, just insert something that feels like they're. Strong opinions on both sides. And a lot of people or moms I'm talking to are saying their kids are navigating this on campus. And so we felt like, all right, if this is something that is coming up a ton, we we need to address it. Like, what do you do? When you find that people that you like in one way that you're friends with or have been friends with historically, suddenly there's a shift and you notice either that you're struggling with the friendship or they are, and what do you do about that?riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: And we're gonnariverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: You know, just simple stuff. Just simple like lighthearted, fair.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: right? Um, we're gonna talk about a lot of skills that we've already talked about in other episodes, and we'll definitely include that in the show notes. And I think something that is. [00:05:00] Kind of a common thread through a lot of our episodes is this concept of dialectics, andriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yes.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: I think we could kind of start there.And then our hope is to kind of give you a set of skills that you can kind of visit as you try to resolve some of the tension that exists within some of your friendships or relationships, and help you make a decision about how you're going to handle that tension,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: and make sure that you're. a wise minded decision.Right. I thinkriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: our emotions tell us to end relationships. Our emotions tell us to stay around in relationships. So we really need a framework to kind of make a decision about how we're going to people in our life that have really polarized opinions,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: behaviors compared to our own.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Right. And this might be a family member, it might be we, I think a lot of times with family it might feel different than people who you're friends with. Um, and we also, this is, we should say this is our end of season [00:06:00] episode. We take that summer hiatus and um, we know that a lot of people are.Going back to, uh, maybe or going to a new place or going back to friends at home and certain things might have changed. Certain just, you know, ideals might have changed. And so we thought, okay, let's give you guys a few things to armor you up for some of those potential changes. Um, now that you've had a year or more, um, absorbing a lot of new opinions.So,riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Yeah, I'mriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: that, Sarah. I think that happens a lot, this like kind of cultural shift, um, or even where like discord or ways that you found it that you've been able to navigate this on campus, but then you're kind of going home to a home environment or vice versa. Um, so I think it's good timing.So if we start with the concept of dialectics and how adopting a dialectical stance can be. A good first step. Um, I think, I think the simplest way without going all into the skill again. And like I said, we'll have an [00:07:00] episode you can go to if you wanna refresh, is to remind yourself that two things can be true at the same time that seem opposing.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yep.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: And I think in this sense and in a simple sense, right? Like, can somebody be a good friend to you?riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: be reliable, a good listener, um. Care about youriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: they care about you while also having different ideologies than you have.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yep. I. All right. And you also can have people who have every single ideology you have and you click on that level who might not be a really amazing friend in other ways. So I think it's one of those things where how do you kind of zoom out and look at the overall picture of what, what it feels like to be in a room with this person.And so the that idea that, you know, sometimes too when we have our own perspective on things, it can be easy to disrespect someone else's perspective. And I think you and I can sit there and say, all right, we struggle with this too. How do you, how do you sort of say, all [00:08:00] right, this is my take. Based on how I've been raised or grown up or my experiences.And you don't automatically know that about someone else. You might think you do, but a lot of times, and I think this is where our job makes us feel really lucky, um, or, or can be really lucky, is that we get to hear other people's perspectives who are so different from us. And it's rare that I have someone come in.And explain their point of view, even if I don't agree with it and not be like, oh, okay, I can at least see how they got there. And I think that's a big part of these dialectics or extremes is to say, okay, I don't have to agree, but can I try to figure out how they got there and understand that a little bit more, where without saying, I'm gonna suddenly be okay with their com, their different perspective.Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: know, um, as a mentor of mine once said, you know, the words always and never these extreme words we try, try to really stray away from,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: to feel emotions. but he said once you should always [00:09:00] assume that you're assumingriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: to be really curious about the assumptions that you're making about other people, because that will help guide you towards being more dialecticalriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Most of us are assuming all the timeriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Great.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: others, and I think it's really, um, we're really vulnerable to making assumptions when people have different belief systems thanriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Um, and being curious about what those assumptions may be and kind of letting go of them is a good step. If you're trying to practice at least thinking dialectically.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah, for sure. So on the one hand, yes, we want people to feel like. They can broaden their curiosity, right? And at the same time, we don't want it to feel like you have to just accept.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Yes.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Every single thing that's being given. So when we were talking about how to frame this episode, we were thinking, all right, yes, it's good.Number [00:10:00] one, to kind of be aware that two things can be true at the same time that might seem opposing, that someone can be a good friend and have different ideals than you. Um, and then we also thought about boundaries. 'cause at a certain point too, you might have to think about what are the boundaries I have on this?Because ultimately. When you're thinking about friendships and then you're thinking about your ideals, those are values that can often be in conflict. And so if you have some values that really are around advocacy, standing up for other people or your own culture or you know, some, something along those nature, those are strong, wonderful values to have.Other people have similar. The important values that might just be really different from yours, they might feel the need to kind of have loyalty to a community or to their family perspective. Um, and so it doesn't mean that someone has wrong values necessarily, it just means that they might feel different or in conflict and then you might even have values yourself that are in conflict.[00:11:00] I know a lot of times, you know, I was, I was. Raised in Tennessee. And so I am thinking a lot like, okay, I have family members who have completely different opinions than I do about a lot of different things, and how do I love them and have a good relationship with them without supporting or, um, being okay with some of the things they believe.And it's something I constantly have to say, like, where am I setting that boundary? Um, and I, I know a lot of people. Might have to think about that with family, but also with friends. So have you seen any boundaries come up where you feel like, hey, like a boundary might have been, um, set up too rigidly, or maybe the boundaries are too loose in these scenarios?riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: So I'll, I'll take a, um, a topic, I'll use an example from, from a former patient of mine who, um, felt really passionate about climate changeriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: actually was in, um, conservation. And, um, and this was like a while ago when like the, you know, now [00:12:00] everyone has a reusable. Water bottle.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Right.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: but this was like when it was not as common. Um, and they really struggled with anyone who was using plastic water bottles.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: was, it, it. Became relationship damaging,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: um, in terms of the harsh judgment that they would kind of place upon others that were using plastic water bottles. Um, and, and when we think about the skill that my client was trying to use was like the fast skill, right?But.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: They were really intense about it,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: very black and white in their thinking, right? Like, if you cared about me, you knew how important this was to me, you would not be using plastic water bottles, right? Um, so that's an example where we really worked on like, could somebody be a good friend with you and have different. Opinionsriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Right.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: reusable water bottles or, you know, maybe there is a reason why somebody is using plastic water bottles that you don't really know about. Right. Um, [00:13:00] I think it took like. A lot of relationships getting hurtriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: rigid they were with their boundaries about it.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: and I think they were able to like, figure out a little bit more around like, okay, could somebody care about climate change?riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: and maybe not value reusable water bottles as much as I, as I do.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Um, and I'm using this example that can kind of, I know in the grand scheme of things, in terms of issues that people can kinda get very polarizedriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Um, but this, that, this might not seem as significant to someriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: this really was a value in terms of priorities and how this person lived their life.It was like ariverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: high priority. Soriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: his or her major. Right? I mean, so this is obviously something and I'm, this is so wonderful to have people who are committing their, their, you know, careers to this. Um, and I can see where if somebody's that committed it would be really hard. And at the same time, I imagine that I. Um, especially when rigid [00:14:00] boundaries start to happen, then you don't become as effective in maybe sharing an open-minded opinion or having that discussion and, and maybe having an influence on people that's gentle and more effective and getting some of that change.Um, so yeah, and I can also imagine a lot of people who might not say their values as muchriverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Mm-hmm.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: because they're worried that they'll be rejected by a certain group of people. Um, and, you know, listen. I've definitely had people who felt like, Hey, I wanna post this thing about my culture. Whether I'm, you know, and I, I support Palestine, or whether I support Israel.I wanna post something about it, but I'm scared to, because I don't want to have my friendships be impacted. And that's a boundary that they can set right. To say I, I don't necessarily wanna take to social media about that. Um, but I, it just makes me realize how often people might be holding back on things that are important.Important to them and sort of sitting and suffering in silence if they're hearing things that make them really upset or or heartbreaking to them. And [00:15:00] so when you talk about the fast skill and there's also the give skill. So just a quick note, we're gonna put all these links to these episodes in our show notes, but episodes 59 and 60 are where we dive into these ideas of how do you hold onto relationships and your self-respect, right?So we want people not to, to give so much. That they're losing sight of like their real identity and that's not being paid attention to. And so we wanna think though about when that happens, ramping up more of the fast skills, holding true to your values.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: yeah, I was gonna say that it in the other extreme, right? I think having an idea of, you know,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: I.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: how can I keep somebody in my life that I really care about that has different ideologies than me, right? Um. While also being mindful of like, when does it cross a line?riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah. Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: and I, and I think for a lot of clients it's, or people in general, it's when [00:16:00] behaviors like start to exist that are in line with values that are really different than ours.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Right.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: you know, I think I talked about this once in an episode. Like, you get this like icky feeling. You're like, Ugh, I wish I would've said somethingriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah. Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: an interaction. You saw something and you're like, that really did not sit right with me.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Right. You're starting to dwell on like woulda, coulda, shoulda have said this. Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Um, and, and then maybe that instead of like waiting, you know, I, I know you've said this too, like sometimes we, we need a boundary to kind of be crossed, right?riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Right?riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: order to know that it's an actual boundary.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: use it as like a learning example. Okay? Like maybe the next time this happens or if it's a relationship you care about, right? Talking to them and saying, you know, I wanna understand a little bit more, you know, can you explain this to me a little bit more about what happened in this interaction?Because again, I think there's probably an assumption that you're making,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: um, but not talking about it outta fear of like a social consequence is not [00:17:00] maintaining your own values or self worth. Yeah.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah, sometimes I do think because these things can happen oftentimes really quickly, or it's kind of in the air and, and you're not really realizing you're upset until later and so on and so forth. You know, I, and we say this again and again. Sometimes just putting pen to paper and saying to yourself, or I.I'll have clients draw a circle or a square. I'll say, all right, let's kind of say what is in, within the range of acceptable for you and the situation, right? So if a friend makes a certain kind of joke, is that okay or not? Okay? If a friend, um, makes you feel bad about your perspective, is that gonna go inside the boundary or outside?And I'd like to say, hopefully that's outside, that they're not respecting you. Um, the other thing we've been talking about boundaries in terms of like setting those. With friends, but also what type of things do you wanna do with this friend, not all friends. And you know, we have that friendship matrix, right?Some friends are just like the ones, you go to a party, they have fun, they, they get the energy going. And other people are the ones. You have those like [00:18:00] anchor friends that are really solid and you have those conversations with. So you might find that instead of throwing out a friendship com. Completely.You can say, where are the ways that I really feel strongly in this friendship, or that I feel like the friendship works well for both of us, and set up some activity boundaries or conversation boundaries where you think, okay, you know, I don't mind going to like a pre-party with this person because we're gonna be talking about the formal later, which is very different than I need to make sure they're involved in every conversation I have.Or I wanna have them in my close circle. So sometimes you can find. Areas where friends are really effective and, and, and a good fit for you in a smaller area of your life.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Yeah, I, I think that's also like a way to think about it is kind of redefining your relationship or friendship goals,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: That maybe there needs to be a shift and there's like a different season of this friendship because of values changing.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: And maybe it just, you know, so maybe the goal of this friendship is kind [00:19:00] of just hanging out and having fun and kind of. some hot topics off the table, right? Thatriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: maybe in the past you connected around your values, you no longer do kind of connect around them with this in mindset of like long as maybe. Boundaries aren't being crossed. Are there certain limitriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: right, that you might have and you know, everyone has this, they might choose not to be associated with someone or end a friendship if there really is, like you said, you've kind of examined the square.It's something that really exists outside of you're willing, you know, toriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: So yeah.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah, completely. So I always, I always say, you know, there are people who I'm, I'm, I know if I lend them money, they're gonna pay me back. Right? And there are people I know, if I lend them money, it's gonna be, oh, well, you know, and that, so that money is gone. It's a gift, not alone, kind of a thing, you know?And it so. I think similarly, there are people where I, if we take a [00:20:00] walk or if we're, you know, having a drink, then we're gonna talk about what's on the news. And I know there are people I'm around where I'm like, if no, we're, we're gonna talk about shoes. We're gonna talk about shoes and what our outfits are, and like where we, you know, the, the, we're just gonna steer clear of that.So I, I think both of us probably have relationships where we're dealing with this as well. So, so yeah. Maybe this is just a time to think about. Where you stand and then cope ahead for when you're going home. Are there friendships where you might need to think about this ahead of time? You haven't seen him in a while, but you're gonna, certainly gonna have them in your day-to-day life once you get back home.Or friendships over the past semester where you felt like, Hey, I have this time now to take some space and regroup around what I want this to look like later on. But I think for the most part, Liz, we just feel so much for. What it's like to be in college right now. You know, it's, it definitely, there are some topics that are coming up and people are having to think about things that weren't, that, you know, just weren't an issue even just a few [00:21:00] years ago.And so I think that the other part is just a lot of, uh, compassion for yourself, right? Like, you know, take it easy on yourself. If friendships have been a struggle, everyone is trying to figure this out. I don't know that. Everyone, or even we have the answers right now, we're going through it with you a lot as everything's changing so much.So give yourself sort of a pat on the back for even getting through probably a lot of complicated situations that you didn't expect. Were gonna come up in like a, a quick casual friendship.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Right. I, and I also think too that, um. love everything you said, Sarah. I mean, you said it so well. I'm like, what could I add that would benefit from this? Butriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: You know what else I can do is I can show people my cat in the cat pajamas too. 'cause this has been so serious. Should we,riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: no,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: we ready?riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: I, I, I, yes. We are going, we are going to see the cat in the cat pajamas in ariverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Okay.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Um, I was just gonna say that we, I think the. My hope as people hear this is like, okay, that although it's uncomfortable, um, [00:22:00] there's a benefit to being psychologically flexible,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: And that friction, we always kind of like talk about this, um, if you approach it right, that there's an opportunity to a social support system thatriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: working for youriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: to, um, letting either emotions of anger or fear get in the way of. You trying to find, you know, a way, a way to balance a dialectic.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah, for sure. And listen, worst case, I mean, not even worst case scenario, one reason to practice this even if you're just like, hell no. You know? And I think a lot of people feel very strongly and, and all the more power to them. They're like, I will not engage in a conversation outside of it. I will say though, oftentimes.Depending on what your job might be one day, right? You're gonna have to practice having a respectful relationship with people you don't agree with. And so this is good. At least practice for a time when you're not [00:23:00] always able to choose your social circle. Maybe you're. Personal social circle, but your work social circle or what schools you're gonna, maybe some grad schools where you're gonna have to interact and have projects with people who feel differently than you and, and kind of get you really heated.You know? So I will say it's not a horrible thing to practice, even if it's not something you're ready for quite yet. Let's plant that seed for down the road where you're gonna, you're gonna have to just have meetings with people who piss you off. I've been there. It's not fun. Yeah. We've all been there.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: I, whether it's family or a workplace environment, there are gonna be situations where there's people in your life that you don't have a choice, right? Thatriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah,riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: out a way, um, to,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Go ahead. I just, I was just realizing as we talk, I know we like to give actionable skills, right? One thing we said is like, you know, draw a circle and kind of think about what your boundaries are. I also think that it's easy to give sometimes instead [00:24:00] of big conversations. There are sometimes where friends or family members have said something or made a joke or kind of shown me something where I was like, Ugh, I'm not gonna laugh at that.Um, and I. It's, I'll say like, I'll like, oh yeah, that's, I was like, that's just kind of not my humor or Yeah, no, that's not, that's not how I see it. You know, it's just something gentle. And then I'll change the topic of conversation to something a bit more. 'cause I don't want them in the moment to feel, um, I mean, I wouldn't mind some of them second guessing their, their senses of humor.Right. But if it's a relationship you like, I think there are ways to subtly just be like, oh yeah, that's not my thing. But like, what do you think about the game? Did you like, you know. You know, come back to a sports team you both love or something that's in common so they can see subtly, like, that's not where we're gonna go.But I'm happy to talk with you about these areas where we can really agree.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Yeah, that's a good, that's a good weaving of, I think being gentle, butriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Mm-hmm.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: um, using fast inriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: and probably effective [00:25:00] with certain relationships where we have to let go of our attachment to change potentially.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Right, right.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: go and we don't wanna just sit there and not say anything.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah. Yeah. And I've noticed that people who care about me, they take that really seriously and they'll, they'll change, they'll be like, Ooh, right, okay, no, so and so, you know, that that's not something she's gonna do. And, and so if the relationship, if they respect you, they'll, they'll make those changes. And so look out for that, you know, just at the end of the day.To just pay attention to that wise mind saying, what is this friendship? How is it making me feel? And am I able to come in, feel, you know, leaving our interactions, feeling respected, feeling like I'm getting something out. That there's that kind of balance of withdrawals and deposits that the friendship tends to give you.Um, and so we are mostly though, I guess, excited for everybody to be finishing up with exams. My guess is a lot of people aren't listening to this. Right now because they're probably in the middle of some final. [00:26:00] So good luck to you all. We will be working this summer to get our podcast. I dunno, it's like a little refresh, I think.So, new intro, maybe a new outro and, um, getting some really good guest lined up for the fall. But we'll miss, we'll miss our audience and we can't wait to see you in August.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Yes. Happy summer. Um, let's get a camera on the kitten please. Okay,riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Oh yes. Okay. So this cat, hold on.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: This is what I'm grateful that my kids do not have YouTube because you know, they're pining for a pet and Sarah's got two now, and this is just, Iriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yes.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: the onesie on this kitten, I can't even tell what are what's, is there a market for kitten outfits that I don't knowriverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Uh, it's a post-surgical onesie, but it's got little llamas on it. 'cause she's a little girl, baby. Yes. Anyway, so yes, if you, um, if you just need after that, that like, kind of a tough conversation, [00:27:00] you know, a lot of serious stuff. This is a cat and a, and a baby cat onesie. There you go. All right. We did it.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: We, we did it. Yes. I mean, um, okay. We'll be back for season three in the fall.riverside_college_is%20fine%20pod_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0001: Yeah. Bye guys.riverside_liz_raw-video-cfr_end_of%20season_0002: Bye. Thank you to our guests for sharing their stories and their advice. This podcast is for college students and we want input by college students, so please reach out by text, email, or voice memo. To college's find podcast@gmail.com or 9 2 9 502 2 3 1. Tell us your story. Give us tips and topics you'd like to hear or give us feedback about an episode.Follow us on TikTok and Instagram at college's Find podcast for episode announcements and resources. And last but not least, if you enjoyed today's episode. So please subscribe [00:28:00] to the podcast. Every hit of that plus button helps us keep going.